Escapist's Refuge

I forgots...

2010-12-10T06:39:00.000-08:00

I kind of created the previous post very quickly and definitely forgot a few artists/albums that I need to mention (for my memory too as reference while making the album):

Joanna Newsom- Have one on me

Yeasayer

Beach House (How did I forget them?!)

jj

Tame Impala

Sufjan Stevens

Caribou- Swim

Deerhunter

Perfume Genius

Avi Buffalo- Avi Buffalo

Charlotte Gainsbourg- IRM

I again, still need to listen to a few. Laura Marling is one...my Dad has mentioned her earlier, and I still have not given her album a chance. I also haven't really given Arcade Fire's album a chance. We watched their special that was online this summer, and their interviews really turned me off. I was not impressed with them as individuals...however no reason to ignore their album, which got rave reviews this year. Anyways...back to work, and I shall continue working on the album this weekend!

XOXO Kate

Kate's best of 2010

2010-12-09T10:21:00.001-08:00

I am going to begin making my best of 2010 album, and send it via mail in the next month...doubtful it will be delivered to Canada before xmas.

I am going to list some of my favorite albums/artists of 2010:

Tennis - Their E.P. Marathon is incredible, even if it only consists of a few songs! (click on band name to listen to them).

Warpaint - These ladies blew me away with their single. Click on the band's name to hear more from this incredible band... Shadows is another favorite. The end of the song "Composure" has Thom Yorke written ALL over it. Saw them live, and was VERY impressed. Beautiful voice. I wish I could put their whole album on the best of 2010.

Gayngs - I heard about them a few days before we went to see them at Cat's Cradle. I was blown away. Often times, when I don't know the band's material, I get quite bored and uninterested at live shows. It always takes me a while to "get" an album. This was an immediate love.

Dark Dark Dark - Absolutely love this group. We literally just missed seeing them live while we were in NYC due to our massages taking too long. I was extremely disappointed. Reminds me of Beirut, but with a female vocalist.

LCD Soundsystem - One of the best albums of the year.

Glasser - She opened for Gayngs, and she reminded me of Bjork, which is a flattering comparison.

Gorillaz - Another one of my favorite albums of the year. Damon Albarn is something else. Empire Ants is probably my favorite or second favorite single of the year.

Moon Duo - Excellent to relax to.

Crystal Castles - They did it again. Their sophmore album is a lot lighter than their previous, and I really enjoyed it.

Jonsi - Unbelievable artist/professional. I have the most respect for him. His live show at Moogfest was life changing. It was one of those moments where a memory was formed and will remain for a lifetime I am sure of it.

Broken Bells - Danger Mouse is a genius. James Mercer (of the Shins) and Danger Mouse created a very fun, easily listenable album that I really enjoy.

The Black Keys - Brothers (also produced by Danger mouse) is fabulous. I actually just bought it yesterday for my commutes to Butner. I don't have an ipod connector in my car yet, and Josh had credit at Best Buy, and yes, I really really enjoy this record.

Ween - One of my favorite discoveries of 2010, even though they have been out since the late eighties. I am obsessed.

Bonobo - Dark Sand is the perfect chillout album. I like to listen to Bonobo to get my mood perfectly calm and collected.

The Knife - Since there hasn't been any new Bjork out, I get my fix through The Knife.

Jim James Solo - I really enjoy Jim James in his most soulful, and intimate moments. I had a large dose of MMJ this past year with our NYC trip (while 13 weeks pregnant and still feeling the effects of the first trimester). My favorite however was our trip to Nashville in a very small, great sounding theatre and having the opportunity to hear just Jim.

These are just a few of the artists I would like to include in this year's album. I may get Josh to create the album cover, because he is very good at such tasks!

My laptop has been broken since the late spring (I just need a new power chord), and have predominately been using my Ipad, which you cannot really download illegal music on...so I haven't listened to as much new music as I would have liked...but that's ok. I have had plenty of good discoveries this past year! I need to give Flying Lotus' album a good, solid listening to as well. I was torn between them and the Black Keys last night, and chose Black Keys because I thought it would help me wake up in the mornings where as Flylo would probably set me into a relaxation mode where I would slowly coast to work. I could be wrong, however.

Stay tuned for further developments! :)

New Blog

2010-11-19T09:53:00.001-08:00

Hi!

Check out my new blog:

www.babyonthewayfashion.blogspot.com

I just started it, so it's a little rough, but it will continue to get better and better!

<3 Kate

Dreams/Nightmares

2010-11-11T12:18:00.000-08:00

I am 26 this Sunday. When I look back on my past (ages 18-25), I feel a bunch of emotions. Embarrassment, proud, accomplished, regretful, ashamed are a few feelings that come to mind. Being pregnant, we are blessed with some wild dreams. The purpose of these dreams are to sort any bothersome issue that we have subconsciously stored away in a vault, in our brain. The issues come out during our sleep, and we get to cope and confront some bothersome situations. I have not had any anxiety dreams about Josh leaving me, or him cheating on me. I like to think this is due to me currently feeling very secure and loved. We don't have any bad history as some couples do. We started out strong, and haven't had any bad moments of lying, or any action where trust has been threatened. On the other hand, I have had weird dreams about past relationships and how miserable they made me feel, and they turn into nightmares without any monsters or chasing. Just the thought of not having Josh in my life fills me with anxiety and fear. It's not that I dream of him leaving me. It's the dream that I had never met him. And it's true...I have been in bliss for the past 9 months that I forgot all the pain, confusion and "little girl lost" that I experienced before. I have been lucky that I have been awarded many great opportunities: College education while playing soccer, and a good job almost right out of school in Raleigh. I have been able to stay in shape, and continued to be ambitious. I was so confused, filled with anxiety from ages 18-25, and that disappeared when I met Josh. Some people need help in balancing their lives. I helped Josh balance his life, and he has helped me. And I don't think there's anything wrong with being codependent. Sure, I think it's great when people are capable to do everything on their own, however I would like to argue with the self proclaimed "independent" that they aren't as independent as they may think they are. We are social beings. We have needed people. We started out in small tribes, and relied on everyone within that small tribe for support and well being. There is nothing wrong with this. We need our families, and we need our friends. There should be no shame in accepting that. I know my parents are codependent, and I know Megan and Joe are codependent. I think when one feels like they are 100% fine on their own, it weakens the bond. I don't believe in relying on one person for EVERYTHING, but some of my weaknesses aren't as troublesome now as they were before. I felt like I would always feel confused, and never content with my current situation. In every relationship before Josh, I felt such doubt and anxiety that it was not right for me. As much as I would try to make it work, something within me told me that it wasn't right. My subconscious feelings have a way of trickling out. And thank god I did not lie to myself. It was very painful and unpleasant at times. I would disappoint people.
Luckily, I feel the best I have ever felt, and I feel like it's here to stay. I woke up this morning so thankful that this is my life. I don't know how I deserve it.

We are looking at cars on Saturday which will be my birthday present. We wish we didn't have to do this so soon, but the move looks like it's happening, and I will be on my way to Butner. I am excited for the change, and hope the transition is smooth. It will be nice working in a brand new hospital, but it's a shame there's a shortage of office space. We will be lucky if we get a desk. Oh, the brilliant architects that didn't build the hospital large enough! I am hoping to return to work with kids, and I am looking into working with special needs children in education. As a new mother, time off is very important. And I want to be very active in the child's life. I want to be there for sports, and events. Teaching makes sense. I am going to look more into this while on my "maternity leave". I am accepting that I have chosen Raleigh, NC to live, and I need to stop comparing NC to Ontario. We have cheaper cost of living here, a beautiful house, and less taxes...haha. You have to think positively!!! I am happy here, and glad that we don't have winters as severe as Ontario. That alone improves quality of life!!!

I am 18 weeks tomorrow, and we find out the baby's sex next Friday. We can't wait!! And I can't wait to begin planning the baby room. I love being pregnant, and feel great!!! My immune system is going strong! While others around me seem to get sick, I have been able to avoid the virus'! I don't know why this is...but I am not complaining. I however, cannot wait to get back into shape after baby is born. They have the cutest new years dresses in Express, but I will be rather large then, so the cute dresses will have to wait until next year. I can't wait to be a mama. This has been the best year of my life.

Annie Hall

2010-11-06T05:52:00.000-07:00

I watched Annie Hall for the first time last night. I found it equally endearing and irritating for obvious reasons. Obviously it's an excellent film, and I love the plot and the clever interruptions, but Woody did frustrate me on several occasions. How could someone possibly be THAT neurotic?! But that's the humor, and I did laugh at him on seveal occasions...especially the scene with the spider in the bathroom, the lobster part and the scene when he's trying to back out of the parking spot in his rental, and the interaction with the police officer. I am sure the more times I watch it, the more I will enjoy it. But what I did not agree with was the 'thesis' of the film...that relationships are irrational, make us crazy, but we need the 'eggs'. I would have completely agreed with this, say, a year ago. Until you find the right person to be with, relationships are chaos, full of great and awful moments. Since meeting Josh, nothing in my life has made more sense. I shudder to think of what life was without him. You all of a sudden feel such happiness, all the time. Everything fits in the right place. Daily tasks become easy. Your favorite thing to do becomes simply engaging in conversation with your partner. You don't need extra stimulation. You are happy in the healthiest of ways. When there is no stress or worry, when its 100% mutual, and you get things done together. It's the most incredible relationship I never would have imagined exists.

We do things equally: we clean equally, we share our money, we look out for our family's best interest at all times. We don't lie. I have, to this date, not caught Josh in one lie. I read people well, and I get good senses when things aren't right. He is always honest with me. He has been absolutely incredible during my pregnancy. He encourages me to eat better, and save money, even though I do get frustrated with this from time to time. Food and shopping are my weaknesses, what can I say...I love him. And I could go on and on...

We are going to watch Manhattan soon, and I wish to show him Scoop because I feel that movie gives you an excellent dose of neurotic and old Woody Allen. I wonder if his thoughts are still the same today given that he has been with his unconventional wife for years now!

To find true love, you have to experience failure. You have to learn and grow up. You have to be fairly balanced and self sufficient. It can be a painful path there, but it is absolutely worth it.

New York and 35 mm film

2010-10-22T20:12:00.000-07:00

On our trip to NYC, we visited a lovely little place called Marie Belle's, which specializes in chocolate. I enjoyed the best tasting white chocolate cinnamon hot chocolate, and strawberry and banana crepe with chocolate sauce. It was unbelievable. On our voyage back to the subway to head back to the hotel, we stumbled upon a Levi's sponsored photography event. Levi's rented a space, hired industry professionals, and provided free vintage camera rentals. You can also make t-shirts with pictures you took printed on them. I got a shirt with a picture Josh took when we went to see Thom York in April. Our friends Sara and Garryd rented a german camera from the 1950's, and these are some of the pictures they took. It was such a neat experience. Josh rented a black and white polaroid, which only produced 8 pictures. We should have used a 35 mm camera, but oh well. Enjoy!

Josh and I waiting for our friends to enjoy "The Chip Shop"...incredible fish and chips!

Josh holding me tight at the subways. I love pictures you don't pose for.

Friends!

It' s my life!!!!!!

2010-10-14T18:01:00.000-07:00

Yes, yes it has been a while. I have been fairly busy to say the least. We are heading to New York City for a fabulous week beginning Saturday! We are staying at the Carlton Arms hotel with a bunch of friends, heading to five My Morning Jacket shows accompanied with T Bone Burnett's Revue show, and a free show by one of my new favorite groups of 2010- Dark Dark Dark at the Cake Shop! We also are going to see King Kahn on the Saturday we arrive. We have bought Groupons for basically every meal (if you do not know what groupons are, let me know. They are incredible money savers), and I will be receiving a 70 minute professional massage on Saturday! I will get to check out Topshop in Soho, and a thrift Maternity store that looks incredible! Oh yes, I am pregnant! I am 14 weeks this week! Josh and I are so excited! We are so in love, and it just seems like our lives together are progressing beautifully. I would not change a thing! He is going to be a wonderful father! I do feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I arrived back from my Recreational Therapy conference only to find him in the kitchen with the vacuum! Ha! We laugh all the time, and I have not one bad thing to say about that man! He is the best thing to happen to me!!

Anyways, over the past months I have neglected this blog. I apologize. Here are some updates:

1. I am pregnant (already been discussed!)
2. America has no maternity leave- only "family leave" which is up to three months with no pay. To say the least this issue has stressed me out as of late because we have gotten quite used to our monthly income of 5,000+. To take my salary away for three full months would put a damper on things to say the least. We are having to begin saving now, putting away at least $500 a month. This is going to make coming home for christmas and buying presents very difficult. I am not able to get a car, and will be creative in paying for gas by hitching rides with my coworkers. Also, the cost of daycare is INSANE all to have some complete stranger look after my sweet little baby. We are looking into options, and Matt (Josh's younger brother) may move in, and live in the spare bedroom. While I work, he will care for our babykins. Josh comes home for lunch anyways, so it won't be terrible. We will have to get our third floor furnished however, which is around 5,000 to complete. A baby doesn't cost much in itself, but holy shit daycare is expensive as hell. I refuse to pay half my salary so a stranger can see my baby smile for the first time.
3. We are hopefully getting our third floor complete and it will be the baby nursery and playroom. It is a very large room, and I hope to have very soft, fluffy carpet for the crawling days. We will have the crib and everything up there, as well as a couch and a television. It has it's own walk in closet, and bathroom. It will be lovely.
4. Dorothea Dix Hospital is closing. Because it is located in a very desirable location downtown Raleigh, politicians have been wanting to get rid of the mentally ill so condos can be placed on the "hill" that Dorothea intended for psychiatry. She placed the hospital there because she felt it was important for patients to be able to have a beautiful, nature filled landscape as it is very therapeutic. The campus is intended for walks, as part of therapy (perhaps she was the first recreation therapist!). Instead, politicians have created the brand new and sterile Central Regional Hospital, far away in the boondocks where there are no open spaces for the children to play kickball, and no landscape for patients to walk. You would think it's 2010, and we should know how to treat our mentally ill. No, not the case. They have cut funding for community services, and there's rumors the other psychiatric hospital which has close proximity to downtown Raleigh is closing. But get this: They are building a new psychiatric facility within the PRISON to assist with the increasingly large inmate population with mental illness. OH HOW Humane! How lovely of the state! Close the hospital, and place them in the prison. Make it so difficult for these very poor individuals with little to no resources to have appropriate out patient care, so they end up lost in their delusions and hallucinations thus causing problems for the general public, and perhaps they will end up arrested, in prison, or dead. The sheriff has publicly stated how many problems will arise if Dix closes. The politician Casler who is in charge of the public mental health care system lied to everyone stating that he asked for money to keep Dix open. He never asked for the money. Wake country is the largest county in North Carolina with not near enough resources. I am SO angry.
5. It really sucks working for the State. I want out. They do not offer you raises. A person who has worked 15 years is making the same as a new hire. What the fuck. What honestly would keep me working for them? Get me out!!!
6. I want to go back to school, but with our little bundle of joy this may be difficult, but I am going to research into grants. I will sign my life to a company if I promise them two years of my life if they pay for my tuition. I am going to look into it. If I am forced to be a working mom, I might as well get the most out of it. I would love to be able to provide our babies a beautiful backyard like the one I grew up with.
7. I miss my family. Especially with our new addition growing in my belly, I want to be close to my sisters. I want their babies to know my baby. Maybe one day, we will return to Canada. Maybe. Still many pros and cons going both ways. According to a article I read about quality of life, US was ranked ahead of Canada on the basis of convenience. Huh? Sorry, I'll take the health care over being able to buy a loaf of bread at 2 am (you can do that in Canada too... I don't really get the convenience argument). Shopping and restaurants are better in the US however. And taxes are lower- not that I care if they are higher if I get more from it. I feel like I get very little with the 30% of tax I am giving to the government.
8. I am worried about my baby to be raised in the educational system they have here. It's pretty shite in comparison to other countries, and I do NOT want our babe to have US propaganda shoved down it's little, sweet throat. I don't want to be overbearing with my views either- but I don't like biased education. I know Canada is the same too... and I know our babe is going to have our genes, so it will be open minded and observational. I shouldn't be worried, really. Plus, Old man grandpa Painter will have eye opening lectures to help with the educational process!
9. We think we are having a boy. His name will be Jack. It was my great uncle's name, who died in the war (I think?!). Jack Jarrett. He sounds famous already. If it's a girl with Josh's mediterranean coloring, her name will be Layla (dark beauty), and if she's fair like me, her name will be Elle. We are so excited!
10. I am exercising and refuse to be fat! I want a cute big belly, and fit everything else. I am excited to get my belly so I don't just look like someone who has eaten a whole cake for breakfast, for the past month. I think it will be here within the next month.
11. I REALLY want to come home for christmas. We might need some help. We might not be able to buy presents this year. We need 6,000 dollars by April. It's rough street. Donations are welcome!!!
12. Josh is really cute when he sings along to songs, without me knowing that I am watching him (what he is doing right this second).
13. I am training Marxy for our ravine walks this December. She does have "noodle" hind legs due to her patella's not being in the right place. Poor little pup. I am determined to get her muscles strong so it won't be too difficult for her. The problem is common with little dogs, and she's only 11 lbs. full size. She continues to look like a puppy, and find her to be absolutely adorable. She's very lazy though. And she loves to cuddle.
14. I will hopefully see Patrick next week for a day.
15. I am enjoying work as of lately, and am anticipating the move in January to Butner. I will be looking for jobs perhaps with UNC Chapel Hill Hospital after the baby. I will need a car if I change employments.
16. Here are some pictures Josh has taken over the past few months.

I would add more, but the computer was taking hours to load pictures.... Perhaps another day, another time. I love you all. See you soon. <3>

1:30, and I miss him!

2010-09-11T22:17:00.000-07:00

My mind is at rest
Confident, and free
In my own skin,
I finally recognize myself

Hard to look back
To the dark, unsettling past
All a blur
You entered, and out came the sun.

I remember feeling this secure
As a child, where play was of priority.
Today, 25, with responsibilities on paper
My heart is dancing, and I am constantly smiling.

Sensitive to my environment.
I respond greatly to anything right, or wrong.
Provides explanation and reason.
Why I felt such depression.

Clarity and the truest love
Sets me free.
You, lying beside me
Is all I'll ever need.

You brought me to life
And returned the happy child that was deep within,
Who was waiting for you,
To confirm that you are the one.

A love so deep and so truem
Convinced I knew you in a life before.
Silly, yes,
But out worldly, none the less.

My true love!
Thoughts of you ignight fireworks
Down my spine.
Soft green meadows.

2010-09-11T21:07:00.000-07:00

Well, Josh is gone for the weekend paying tribute to his childhood friend's last "hoorah" as a single man, so I have been left here to be entertained by my thoughts all day, which at times can be quite bothersome.

First let me talk about this Bachelor/Bachelorette party tradition. I think it's a load of shite, is meaningless and just an excuse to party and perhaps engage in some risqué behavior. First off, if you are in a trusting, committed relationship, there is no last "hoorah". Marriage shouldn't be anything different, in my mind. Marriage is not really something I view highly upon anyways because of how we have twisted and shifted what marriage means. I believe in commitment, in love, trust, respect and I actually do believe there is one person out there best suited. I don't believe that I have to swear to an imaginary "god" that I am committed. I am confident enough in my relationship that we are meant to be, and I don't need a certificate confirming this. So, the idea that a man to be married thinks it's ok to get it on with a stripper the week before his wedding is quite frankly disgusting to me, and shows me nothing about respect. Its distasteful, barbaric, and slimy. Call me a prude, I don't care. I am well aware of the biological defferences in men and women, and I don't buy that as an excuse either. Those men who need variety should not get married. Men with higher IQs (read more evolved) are better at being monogamous. I actively ciphered the men with a wandering eye out of my life. I refused to accept that as a reality. And I have never respected or trusted a man the way I do with Josh. His heart is pure, and he is a better person than I. I learn so much from him.

I don't go along with tradition, just because. I don't need a bachelorette party, just a day with my bridesmaids that would include primping, relaxing and beautifying. Some good, wholesome female bonding. I don't need or even have a desire to get wasted, and go clubbing wearing obnoxious bachelorette gear. I don't even enjoy getting approached by men now. I was in line at a store today and some military guy started conversation with me. I try to be polite, but I am very uncomfortable with it. I hate it. I typically always am out with Josh, so I haven't had that problem so much. Perhaps I'll buy a cheap, fake wedding band for these occasional days on my own.

With all that said, I am not opposed to getting married. I just don't view it any different. I live with Josh, we equally contribute to mortgage and bills, we have trust, and an incredibly healthy and successful union which I have NO doubts about. I KNOW he is the man for me, after several years looking in the wrong direction, but all the time pointing me to this path. I would love to marry him, and make our families part of our happiness, and for me to take his name, and to get some benefits here and there. Also, I will be more accepted here in the bible belt ha! But I prefer a life that is t so conventional and planned out. I like how my parents did it, and I think myself and my siblings all benefitted greatly from our up bringing and philosophies. I also would love a great dance party, and Josh already talks about songs for the playlist.

He has been gone a day, and I miss him. He'll be back tomorrow before the Panther's play their first game of the season. I just bought some Panther gear, so I'll be prepared. I am in charge of making snacks which will include ham and cheese biscuits, pizza, onion rings, and Maybe some fruit for myself!

Marxy is sleeping on the bed with me, and has turned into the sweetest, best trained dog I have ever met. Josh and I are so in love with her! We got pretty lucky. She knows "no", she knows her name and listens to commands. We have some more training to take care of, but at 5 months, she's doing great!

I am not looking forward to 5 full days of work ahead. It's draining, even though I have a fairly easy job. Last week was rough because I had to interview two bipolar hypertalkatives with psychosis. Hard to stay on task and focused. Gives you a headache trying to organize what they are saying. Josh sometimes teases me and says completely random, nonsensical comments which gives me the same reaction.

I am now sleepy and should rest my delicate mind. I hope my rants weren't too irritating.

Good night!

Sunday

2010-08-29T08:52:00.000-07:00

Sunday. I am sitting with my two very well behaved pups, waiting for Josh to return from Wilmington. I have organic chicken breast defrosting, dessert picked out, laundry folded and hung up, and Mr. Perfume's album blasting. I absolutely love Sundays. Relaxing. Marxy and Chowda get along brilliantly, and Chowda is beginning to ease up. He hadn't run away this weekend, so my fond feelings for him are returning. I took them both for a walk yesterday, and it went very well. Marxy didn't need a leash. Instead, she walks side by side with me. She responds to NO swimmingly. She's a very sweet dog, we got very lucky with her. They are currently sharing a bone.

I went to the Panther's preseason game yesterday with Josh's parents and had a blast! We went to a nice little restaurant right near the stadium that had incredible grilled chicken sandwich. Ahhhh... It was a fairly boring game, but being up in the stands with all the visual distractions everywhere, and just the general environment of a big sporting event made if entertaining enough. Josh comes from a wonderful family. I am lucky to have them near by.

I feel extremely greatful as of late, and feel very secure. I have never experienced this type of happiness, stability and love in all my life. I look at old posts stating how confused I was that I wasn't feeling happy. I never felt like I had found my niche. All those difficult times were pointing me in this direction. You just have to stay strong and stay optimistic. And you have to take chances. I could not possibly be happier.

Who knew that Raleigh, NC would end up my home?

I cannot wait for Megan's visit. It will be so nice to have her see how I live these days, and meet Josh. And I can't wait to hold and play with Mia. I am excited for our Wilmington day out, shopping, and good food.

I have so much to look forward to!

July 2010 update

2010-07-09T05:11:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the lack of posts. I have been very busy these days, abstaining from internet use!

Cherry Building (part of Dorothea Dix Hospital, PRTF adolescent program) where I was working closed this past month. We had one month notice, and it was quite heartbreaking. I really loved working with those kids- some of them I knew for a year starting off at William's Building (acute adolescent program). I wonder how they are doing these days... As a result, I have been transfered to work in the main hospital with adults. It's a different world, and the politics are much different as well. I went from having my own, peaceful office to sharing with eight other very different people. I went from knowing all the staff, to only recognizing a few. It was relieving however to see some nurses I used to work with at William's building. They were very sweet and welcoming. I was kind of thrown into the job this week to cover for someone on vacation, and with that came some stress but I managed through. I am excited to find out where I will be located permanently, and what groups I will be able to lead! I did some substance abuse groups this week which I really enjoyed. The patients were very sweet, all participated and were positive. It's a little different from the kids who I have to redirect every 5 minutes! It's hard however to hear some of the stories and experiences some people had to go through. I feel a little ridiculous because I have been so lucky in my life, and don't have the genetic disposition to drug use. (I generally don't care for it, I actually feel best sober). This could be attributed from my lack of issues, both mentally and my upbringing. I am loved, and feel very stable and happy today.

As most of you know now, I heard big news last week. I was shocked when I found out, and scared to see Josh's reaction. My fears were silly, and Josh and I were so excited and thrilled with the news. We went to buy books, I started to eat very healthy, I quit my sugar addiction and tried to stick to only organic. Josh has been so supportive, so involved and so loving. I honestly don't know if there is a better man out there. He surprises me daily. You know all those stereotypes about men? He is none of those things. He is so attentive, and puts my needs over his. I respect him so much, and god, do I love the man!
Since yesterday, I have been having complications and had to go to the doctor, and get an ultrasound to make sure I am ok. I still don't know if I am ok- time will tell. I am getting my hormones checked, so that would be a good indicator. I am prepared to hear bad news, so I won't be so terribly distraught. I am also hoping for good news. Today, I feel better than I did yesterday but still terribly anxious, and worried. I would like to think everything happens for a reason, and it's out of my control, so just hope for the best. Josh has been encouraging me to think positively, and I am trying my best. If the worst news comes, I will try to cope with it the best way I know how, and carry on. I have a wonderful man, a very supportive family, and good friends so I have lots to be thankful for. I know in the future I will get to experience this again, so not to lose faith and hope.

The house is beautiful, and so comfortable. We have a new fridge, and a new washer/dryer set, and I am buying a Honda CR-V by the end of this month. Josh and I are saving for our week NYC trip in October, Megan's visit with Mia is in a few months, and I will be turning 26. I am loving every aspect of this time in my life! I could not have dreamed to be experiencing this a year ago! I feel SO incredibly lucky to have found Josh, and I count my blessings everyday. I can 100 percent say I have found my true love, and I have no doubts about it. I know it's very rare, and doesn't happen very often to people. I have had serious relationships before, and this one is WAY different. I knew right away he was the one for me. I have also been in denial before, but I think it's obvious to others when I am making excuses for things. I haven't had to do that AT ALL, and I think people notice.

Marxy has had her punk days, and her good days. She is sleeping beside me in bed as I type this. She is a very sweet pup, but needs to listen a little more. But, then again, that's the breed. Shiba's are known for being independent, which comes in handy at times actually. She has been good with the kennel, and does her business appropriately outside when Josh and I are looking after her. She doesn't bark ever! She LOVES new people, and is such a show off. She will run up to people walking on the sidewalk with her ears down, and her tail wagging viciously. She rolls on her back for them, licks them and does little running laps to show off. She loves the attention- it's hysterical to watch!

That's all for now, I shall call home when I find out more of my test results. I love you!

Marxy

2010-06-05T13:08:00.000-07:00

So happy!

Marxy!!!

2010-06-04T19:44:00.000-07:00

Introducing... Marxy!

She's the sweetest, cutest pup in the entire world (ok, Zen and her are tied)...proving that Shiba Inu's are the best dog breed out there. She is already potty trained, and we didn't have to do anything. She's cuddly, quiet, fun and so lovable. More pictures to come. I am in love!!!

Maturity? Me?

2010-05-24T12:56:00.000-07:00

I would like to mention that I no longer:

1) visit celebrity gossip sites

or

2) am addicted to the computer (since my laptop's power chord broke)

There is something refreshing about spending time away from computers and television. I think I would prefer to read, play guitar, explore, exercise and spend time with Josh. There is something so isolating about internet and television. It tunes you out from everyone around you, live, in physical form. Sure networking sites and emails help communication to people...but I kind of miss how people used to communicate. Letters are so much more personal, and appreciate that Ellen still uses this method. I need to return the favor to my friends and family. How ironic me writing this using the internet, on a computer! But I am at work winding down, and reflecting. So there.

I like growing up.

So I wasn't as doomed as I once thought...

2010-05-24T09:24:00.000-07:00

I washed my face with acne cleanser on Saturday night, and woke up yesterday with extremely swollen eyes. I had an allergic reaction to the stuff, and my eyelids and area around my eyes are still red and puffy! I look ridiculous! I also feel sick today, it's cold and rainy and worst of all, it's Monday!

Not the best way to start the week, however I am itching for 5 pm when Josh picks me up. We have lots of work to do in the next few days...tonight I am packing up all my clothes and hopefully have the bedroom and closet packed up ready to go along with the records, cds and dvds. I wish I had more energy, but I'll make it through. We officially move in Wednesday, and then we get to look forward to unpacking! I am really excited though- I am looking forward to decorating, getting a sweet rug for the living room and possibly a bedroom set. Next weekend we're heading to Atlanta for a wedding, and Niel Young on the way back in SC Sunday night. I love long weekends. The following weekend, we get to pick up our baby Marxy! She's been on the puppycam often lately, and is one of the most calm pups out of the bunch. I can't wait to do puppy classes with her! The new house has a greenway walking distance, so an excellent area for walks and runs with the pup! This summer is going to be incredible! I know I say this in every post, but really- I am so so so happy. Josh continues to amaze me! You know when you are dating someone, and you want to believe that they are right for you, but you always have that doubt in the pit of your stomach? I have had that with everyone I have dated- but I don't have it at all with Josh. I feel so free, comfortable and at ease. Some people think commitment equals being tied down, trapped...and yes I have felt that in the past with basically everyone I have dated. I have never felt so myself, so at ease and honestly, so free. I don't do things for the sole reason of staying loyal- I don't do things simply because I have absolutely no desire to do them. I am 100% happy with life, and I wouldn't change a thing.

I have a whole new perspective on relationships...I would always say that there's no one perfect and you sometimes have to suck up their faults. I would always expect something wrong, which is why I had such negative feelings about marriage- I thought people married just so they wouldn't be alone, and that very few are actually happy together. This probably is still true, but for me I never wanted to get married because I felt like I would always feel that doubt. I would always feel like there was something wrong...so it would never work. I had people tell me 'even with those feelings, you learn to make it work'...in which I responded with why...you shouldn't feel those negative thoughts. Perhaps I was over anxious, or just a negative nancy...now I know I had those feelings for VERY good reasons. Your intuition is very wise, even if you don't want to listen to it at the time. You can deny it, numb it and repress it, but it's there for a very good reason. It's what has helped our specie evolve the way it has. I am so glad I listened to my gut. I have never felt this kind of happiness. Ahhhh...

I am so happy with where I am today!

2010-05-14T05:26:00.000-07:00

I love New Young Pony Club. I really need to get more of their music. It makes me happy.

Things are falling into place. I got rid of my St.Mary's apartment thankfully, and will be moving into the brand new house Josh just bought at the end of the month. The guy wants to move in asap, so it's going to be prorated which is awesome. I am heading to DC today to see Deertick and Dr.Dog, and check out the city tomorrow. I cannot tell you how happy I am with life!

I have been thinking about the difference between London and Raleigh. Apparently, Raleigh/Cary has the 15th best economy in the entire US...which is pretty shocking because Raleigh is not that large. The main difference I see is the constant improvement here vs. London. Apparently Raleigh was a MUCH different place ten years ago. There is constantly something going on here for improvement...to keep things updated, new and attractive. London is a retro city. Nothing has changed there it seems. Everytime I go back, everything is the same. Nothing seems to be improved...aka the traffic. I am very happy living here!

I have a very busy day today, so I best be off. Enjoy New Young Pony Club!

Week at home images

2010-05-06T05:50:00.000-07:00

Below are some pictures from last week! Enjoy!!!

Megan's glorious cupcakes!

I think Pavel took this picture!!!

The crew helping Meg with the cupcakes...I miss you guys already.

Friends, sisters and babies!

We always do weird photoshoots, they are amusing.

Megan's shower!

Open Mind...not always.

2010-05-05T09:22:00.000-07:00

I used to think I was open minded. I used to think I was open to all sorts of different ideas, views and opinions. I used to think I was open minded when it comes to music.

Truth is, I have a long way to go. Yes, I am accepting of all sorts of different people. I am not tolerant of anyone who is a) hard core Republican b) proud red necks or c) obese people. I judge them. I make fun of them. I dislike them. It is a little immature for me to have such negative feelings for these types of people. They shouldn't make me angry. I have accept that they exist, and they might be good, decent people. I went to school with several Republicans, and lived in a city full of them (Jacksonville), and yes, many of them were very nice, enjoyable people. Perhaps I would have been one if I grew up in a military family. I don't know... I shouldn't judge them based on their political ideals. People are different. And that's a good thing.

I have a lot of resentment against country music. My best friends Ange and Morgan would blast it on our car trips, and I unwillingly learned all the lyrics to a Tim McGraw song. Everyone in Mt.Olive it seems loved country. It was always around me, and I tried desperately to escape it. I would be the only one it seemed who listened to Radiohead at my college. I felt very alone in my musical taste. I thought My Morning Jacket, and Wilco being rock, and then it dawned on me... there is such a thing called alternative country, and yes...I liked and listened to many bands in that genre. I never had a problem with old country music...just the way country is today. Contemporary country makes me want to blow my brains out. I can't handle it. I have such a strong hatred for it...and yes, this is being close minded. I really struggle with coming out of my comfort zone with music. True lovers of music can enjoy all types of music. I get caught up on stupid facts and groups that I possibly have missed out on a lot of good material. I have issues with certain artists because of what they said in an interview. I have the initial bad taste in my mouth when I find out a famous actor or actress is making an album. I need to get over this. I want to feel joy, not resentment and bitterness. Open my mind and explore new sounds! I guess it stems down to me being a little judgemental when it comes to anything new. It is immature and I don't wish to be this way. Baby steps, but I am working on getting over these irritants so I can be happier and have more to enjoy!!

May

2010-05-05T05:15:00.000-07:00

Dr. Dog will make this morning go by quickly and smoothly. Lots to do... Made a to-do list. Should help. Lots to get done this month... Must stay focused! Tackling the apartment tonight and getting it cleaned and taking the rest of my junk to Josh's. We move the last week of May to the new house, so LOTS of organizing to do! Definitely not my forte, but it's Josh's so this should be a smooth move.

Last two months have been the best of my life! Let's keep this trend going... I honestly can't believe it's already May! I can't wait for Mia to enter the world...just one more month or less!

Just to add some clarity to my mind:

1. Clean apartment
2. Email back interested folk who would like to take over my lease
3. Sort out finances/budget for a car

Ok...now to tackle my to-do list at work. Yikes...thank god for lists!

I get to see Dr. Dog play in DC next weekend, and Niel Young at the end of the month as well as Caribou next week. YAYAYAYA

First day back

2010-04-27T20:58:00.000-07:00

The world is lazy
but you and me
we're just crazy

So when I'm with you, I have fun
Yeah when I'm with you, I have fun

The world is lazy
but you and me
We're just crazy

So when I'm with you, I have fun
Yeah when I'm with you, I have fun

Ever since I was a little girl
My mama always told me
there'd be boys like you

So when I'm with you, I have fun
Yeah when I'm with you, I have fun

I hate sleeping alone

-Best Coast

I tried to sleep, but music keeps on coming and thoughts won't stop. I am feeling a little anxious and uneasy. My first day back in London.

It's always weird coming back home. Every time, it get's stranger and stranger. Readjusting back takes a few days...also I wasn't feeling well yesterday. I do miss my sisters incredibly. I love spending time with them. I do miss the laughter and the random events that take place in this house on a constant basis. It's hard coming home and realizing what I am missing- mostly missing on my nephews growth, and soon, Amelia's. It's a rather uncomfortable feeling. I am beginning to feel like Raleigh is my home. I have grown up there- for the past six years. 19-25...those are some difficult years, especially somewhere very far from where you grew up. I have set up camp. I love the climate, my job, and the improvements Raleigh continues to make. I am very happy there.

I feel good where I am at today. I feel extremely lucky. I feel so safe, and comfortable in Josh's arms. Pure bliss, and it keeps getting better. So happy with life. I am going to enjoy my time with my family, but I can't wait to be back. Everything is so damn exciting. I love falling asleep completely fulfilled, loved and relaxed. I haven't had an anxious night like right now in over two months...

Thank you for existing.

Ahhh!

2010-04-20T15:39:00.001-07:00

Oh! This feeling is wonderful! Don't you ever turn it off!
-mmj

Updates and Pictures!

2010-04-09T09:23:00.000-07:00

March was fun filled and eventful...and Beth died my hair this extremely vibrant red. I didn't want it to be this red; I wanted a more natural red...but that's ok, it's different and I like it for now. Definitely going back to blonde for the summer however! It's a beautiful day today, the weekend is upon us, and I am very happy with how life is going! I have been eating very well lately, learning the ropes of budgeting and shopping efficiently at the grocery store (embracing all of Josh's strengths as they are all my weaknesses!!). I look up to him. I think that's important.

I can't believe it's already the 9th of April. Time is flying by. We have lots going on this summer, so only excitement to look forward to! I can't wait to see you, my family! I am dreaming of patio dinners with delicious food and good conversations.

Going to DC and Atlanta in May, 2 weddings this month...and many more events planned. This weekend is going to be relaxing, hopefully some time sun tanning at the park.

Miss you all!

Some piccys:

Punky

Hollywood

We saw Thom Yorke...and it was amazing.

like my vintage Michael Kors boots? They murdered my feet in NYC

He's perfect.

End of March

2010-03-29T08:35:00.000-07:00

March comes to a close- what a wonderful month! April 2010 around the corner... time really does fly! Megan turned 23, and I get to come home for the baby shower! I can't wait to come back later on this year and actually meet and play with baby Mia!

Gray skies today, but only sunshine in my mind. It's amazing how bright and colorful life can be at times. It's important to remember that life always has a way of balancing out in the end. I have never felt so secure and clear in my mind. So confident in my decisions. I no longer feel so scatterbrained. Doubt is a thing of the past. Nothing has ever felt so right and so true. I am exactly where I want to be. I am glad I didn't run away from my problems, and I faced them head on, even though it was extremely difficult. I feel really really good, even if it is a rainy Monday!

I am participating in my 4th Tir Na Nog 5 Mile run tonight...last weeks runs were rough due to the Vegas/LA trip not getting enough sleep, which also resulted in a cold. However, I still ran even though I wanted to do nothing and I begin my personal training this week or next. I also am going to begin attending boxing classes twice a week. It's such an incredible cardio workout...plus nice toned arms. I really have to stretch every day...being able to do the splits is going to take some time. 15 minutes daily.

4 day work week. Also, heading to SC to see Niel Young solo in May with Josh. Yeah, I have never attended so many shows in my life, but I love it. All smiles.

I miss you all- Mia looks adorable Megan, even if the umbilical cord is hanging out in the picture ha!

Progress noted

2010-03-25T09:26:00.000-07:00

I wrote this post April 2008- almost exactly two years ago after graduation and job searching. I didn't know where to live, if I should return back to NC or venture somewhere else. This is what I mean by tracking growth and maturity through blogging. I remember feeling this lost...I think it's a very normal place to be in the early/mid twenties. I am so glad I am where I am today...and how important it is to struggle a little to achieve true happiness.

Self wallowing.I always question and second guess everything; I find that I am my own enemy. I wish I thought clearly and logically. You can tell how scatterbrained I am just from my writing. I am not clear. I jump from thought to thought. This is a problem as I cannot deal with my many problems in a concise, clean and orderly fashion. I am all over the place. I live life on instinct. I subconsciously sabotage things because of underlying problems that are swimming around in my head, but having the inability to rationally and fashionably deal with them. I am a mess in other words. I confuse everyone that enters my life. I for the most part am never certain of anything. I am never confident with any decision or life change. I am so anxious and awkward. I am so sorry to all those who have been affected by my behavior. I know I hurt people, and it is not on purpose. I guess I should try to learn a more positive and productive way of dealing with my worries, but I am not sure how as many of my problems are all hidden beneath a wall; perhaps I am too scared to really face my inner demons. I wish I could just be 100 percent honest with everyone all the time. I care too much about what others think, and how my words my hurt them. I really struggle with my vague communication with others because I know what message is being sent, and it's not how I truly feel. I need to stop caring about other people and I need to take care of myself, and my emotional needs. I need to find my core values and live honestly. I need to cut out any negativity/bad people from my life. I need to feel good about my decisions and how I am living my life.Right now, I have so many expectations stemming from people all around me, and it is making me incredibly nervous, and I feel like I am displacing onto people that do not deserve it. I don't know what type of life I want to live. I do not know if I want to begin an independent career yet away from home. It would be great to find a rec therapy job locally, but London doesn't seem to be offering much. I am still looking in NC as well...who knows where I will end up. I wish I could mix NC with London ONT...things would be much easier for myself!

Shows and happiness

2010-03-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

I went to see the Moody Blues last night, and have never seen so many awkward 60+ year olds dancing and grooving. It was quite hysterical. I wanted to see these people who lived through the sixties whip out the joints they once enjoyed, and the old women in the very front dancing and ogling the musicians relive their former groupie days by flashing. None of this happened...it was kind of awkward when Graeme Edge made a joke about his next birthday being his 69th, and how he loves that number, and made a reference to viagra...I was kinda like "ewww..." but hey, I hope I am that cool at that age! It is refreshing to see the old folks relax and enjoy a rock and roll show, even if the old man beside me had binoculars and we were pretty close up. The band's 80's hits were brutal, but when they played Nights in White Satin, I was in heaven.

Joanna Newsom tonight, and Wilco on Saturday! In all truthfulness, life couldn't be more perfect right now. Everything happens for a reason, and I really do believe their is a strange force guiding us through, making sure we learn certain lessons and allow us to become more self aware. I have learned a great deal the past year...and I am certain that the downs and struggles were very very necessary for me to experience the type of happiness I have currently. I know what I want, what I need, and what I need to avoid. I know what is good for me. I know what not to do. I am thankful for those people who have challenged me, to make me into a better person. I am more focused, determined and clear headed. I have my own goals, and I am focused on myself. I trust and I love, as if I have never been hurt. 2010 is going to be a marvelous year.

I welcome you, Spring.

2010-03-17T06:32:00.001-07:00

I am blissfully happy. I am heading to LA/Vegas tomorrow, getting a pedicure with my friend Kelsey tonight along with Moes (my favvvvvvorite restaurant), and preparing for our wild trip. I am heading to NYC in two weeks to see Girls, and Thom Yorke with Josh. I am going to be an aunt again soon, and can't wait to be home for the shower. I feel very optimistic about life, and it's very refreshing. Work is going well- it allows me to have some freedom and I get to be as creative with groups as I want to be. The energy after a good group is something very special, felt between all those who attended. A type of closeness.

I am so happy that a certain very negative force in my life is out for good, and I no longer have anger or resentment. I am too happy to feel those things.

:) ahhhh.....

Fitness Competitions

2010-03-02T20:58:00.000-08:00

So I have made an exciting goal. I think it's perfect for me, given my athletic background.

I am training for fitness competitions. I have a personal trainer who is going to help me with this endeavor. I have gymnastics/cheerleading background which will absolutely benefit me. I have to definitely work on flexibility, lean muscle and reducing body fat. I am 22% right now, so I would like to get to 15-18 percent. My personal trainer and I are seriously tackling my diet because that is my biggest challenge. I am excited to get started on my training regimen. I am a member of this really new and exciting gym called Rapid Fitness, and I LOVE IT there. So supportive, amazing equipment, great staff, and great resources. WAY better than Goodlife or YMCA. It sucks that there isn't a pool, but oh well. I did a body pump class this past Saturday which went well.

I haven't been more motivated to succeed. I don't know what came over me, but I am so disciplined with food. I had hummus for dinner, and that's it. I am only drinking water. Breakfast has to be the largest meal, so that's something I have to work on as I rarely consume more than 200 calories. I found out my body burns 1400 calories on it's own, but with my active lifestyle, 1900 calories a day. I wish to only consume 1400 calories/day. I really really want to lose body fat, so I have to watch what I eat.

I can't wait to train, and eventually get to the point of making my routine. I think this a perfect step after soccer. It's individual, and challenging. It will make my body look amazing and I will be able to do what I love- gymnastics, dance, weight training and cool costumes ha!!!

I am 100 percent serious about this endeavor. I will keep you all updated!

So you don't think I am completely bonkers...

2010-02-22T21:06:00.001-08:00

I usually write poems on here or vent when I am feeling my worst. It proves to be a useful tool to try to connect with those who I care about. Due to the distance issue, and my awkwardness to talk about my sadness, fears and loneliness via conversation, I feel like this blog has helped me get some feelings out I would otherwise repress. Most of my sad posts are results of those 20 minutes of crying and pain, and after I am fine and back to myself somewhat. I don't want people to think I am this very depressed, complaining Elizabeth Wurtzell type (I finished her book- I now find her incredibly tiresome and think she's more borderline than depressed). I am for the most part doing well, and am managing. Growing up isn't easy, especially when you are on your own in a foreign country far far away from those closest to you. I have matured a great deal in the past year. I don't regret anything- I don't believe in regret. I have learned a great deal from the mistakes I have made. Luckily my mistakes hasn't resulted in anything terrible, like unwanted pregnancy or drug addiction ha!

I sometimes write things I later regret, but again- regret isn't an option. I wrote it for a reason. It helped me in some way. It's how I felt at that moment. I shouldn't be embarrassed. I should be glad I have something objective to showcase my growth and maturity for the past few, sometimes difficult years. I have my personal journals too (what can I say, I need to get thoughts out!) which are an interesting read. It's rather strange- I sometimes read something I wrote a year or two a go, and find it difficult to identify with who I used to be. It's almost like I am reading someone else's thoughts, not mine. That couldn't have been me, could it? Time, years, days, minutes, seconds, last week, last month, last summer...

12:15 am- time for bed. Bike to work tomorrow. I joined a running club for every Monday. 3, 5 or 8 mile run plus food for a dollar at the restaurant. It's splendid!

I like seeing progress

2010-02-22T07:46:00.000-08:00

Weighed myself today...I am down to 128 lbs!!!!!! I have consistently been 135-140 for the past few years...YEAH! My goal is 120-125, and a size 2 or 3. So happy!

Out of the blue- Julian Casablancas

2010-02-20T18:35:00.000-08:00

The first paragraph speaks from my heart. Thank you Julian.

Somewhere along the way
My hopefulness turned to sadness
Somewhere along the way
My sadness turned to bitterness
Somewhere along the way
My bitterness turned to anger
Somewhere along the way
My anger turned to vengeance
And the ones that I make pay
But never the ones who deserve it
And the ones who deserve it
They'll never understand it.
Yes, I know I'm going to hell in a purple basket
At least I'll be in another world
But you'll be pissing on my casket

How could you be
(oh-oh-ohh)
so comfort, follow me
(oh-oh-ohh)
Why can't you ignore
(oh-oh-ohh)
The things I did before
(oh-oh-ohh)

Somewhere along the way
I invented cheap excitement
Somewhere along the way
that excitement turned to pleasure
Somewhere along the way
that pleasure turned in madness
Sooner or later that kind of madness turns into pain
And the ones that I made pay
But never the ones who deserved it
Cause you helped me on the way
I smacked them as I thanked them
Yes I know I am going to hell in a leather jacket
At least I'll be in another world
But you'll pissing on my casket

You know that I can do
Singing a song of faith and glory
And all you got to do
Sit there look pretty and make 'em horny
Together we sit home and tell exaggerated stories
About the way we'd be today and tonight and in the morning

How could you be
(oh-oh-ohh)
so comfort follow me
(oh-oh-ohh)
Why can't you ignore
(oh-oh-ohh)
The things I did before
(oh-oh-ohh)

Take all your fears
pretend they're all true
Take all your plans
Pretend they fell through

But after this life
(oh-oh-ohh)
people in this world
rich or the poor
(oh oh ohh)
?
(oh-oh-ohh)
?
(oh-oh-ohh)

Revengious are doomed

Yes i know I'm missing out
And before
they'll come knocking on my door now

ONLY SKIN

2010-02-20T18:13:00.000-08:00

Start at 13:20 Only Skin by Joanna Newsom

And when the fire moves away
Fire moves away, son
Why would you say
I was the last one?

All my bones they are gone, gone, gone
Take my bones, I don't need none
Cold, cold cupboard, lord, nothing to chew on!
Suck all day on a cherry stone

Dig a little hole, not three inches round
Spit your pit in the hole in the ground
Weep upon the spot for the starving of me!
Till up grow a fine young cherry tree

Well when the bough breaks, what'll you make for me?
A little willow cabin to rest on your knee
What'll I do with a trinket such as this?
Think of your woman, who's gone to the west

But I'm starving and freezing in my measly old bed!
Then i'll crawl across the salt flats to stroke your sweet head
Come across the desert with no shoes on!
I love you truly, or I love no-one

Fire
Moves
Away

Fire moves away, son
Why would you say
I was the last one?

Clear the room! There's a fire, a fire, a fire
Get going, and I'm going to be right behind you
And if the love of a woman or two, dear,
Couldn't move you to such heights, then all I can do
Is do, my darling, right by you

Her new album comes out in three days, and I will be seeing her in March!

never.

2010-02-20T17:33:00.001-08:00

Your words sting

A sting so powerful it shakes the soul

My bright face turns red and swollen,

again, and again.

I listen to the album Ys by Joanna Newsom

ask myself why I do this to myself

Why do I subject myself to this

again, and again

Just to relive the pain

Such foolish faith, as you say.

My conscious and wisdom have betrayed me.

again, and again.

I accept but you draw me back in

Just to squash my faith

My good spirits and confidence.

again, and again.

Mark my words.

Never, again.

Luck

2010-02-18T07:22:00.000-08:00

I learned that it is good luck to have a birthday close to your mother's. This explains everything! Megan has good luck because she's has the closest birthday to Marge! Ah ha!

SMILE!

2010-02-18T06:50:00.000-08:00

I did not shed a tear
Calmly, I accept.
peaceful and in control
No one is taking my power away.

I slept without dreams.
I slept without nightmares.
I woke, got dressed and walked to work.
Like any other day.

I play my guitar.
I sing loudly to favorite songs.
I dance in my under wear.
all alone, in my 900 ft. square hollow space.

Confident in the positive changes I have made.
I will not go down that painful path again.
Happiness and joy,
Surround me! on this cold, unforgiving thursday morning.

Don't pretend you know who I am,
or what I am not capable of.
No one is going to bring me down!
The puddles of tears have dried up.

In case you were concerned...

2010-02-10T19:12:00.000-08:00

Music Saves.
I have discovered Grouper, and they are stunning.
Check out my other blog www.quixotickate.tumblr.com to hear one of my favorites from her 2008 album Dragging a Dead Deer up a Hill. If that album title doesn't get you intrigued, I don't know what will!

I am emotionally doing better today. I have been going through a lot. I am have refrained from using drugs, men, and alcohol. I want to be healthy. I want to be a much better and stronger person. I don't want to give up. I know I have genetically been blessed with a much more sensitive soul and a weaker personality than others. I cry easily. I feel sorry for myself. I don't want to be self centered as I have been. I don't want to be jealous. I want to be confident and strong minded. I want to find what makes me happy, and go for it. Music makes me happy. It fills a void. Photography makes me happy. Exercise makes me happy. Good conversations make me happy. Wes Anderson films make me happy. Blogging makes me happy. Finding shared interests with people make me happy. Live shows make me happy. Playing dress up at talize with Megan makes me happy. Spending time with my family makes me happy. Cats and dogs make me happy.

There's too much joy and brightness in this world to concentrate on the pitfalls, the unfortunates and the pain.

2010 not starting off so great...

2010-02-09T19:51:00.000-08:00

A lot has happened in a year. My last year has had it's large share of ups and downs. It's amazing to realize all the big changes I have made in only one year. I have to say, I have learned a lot and have matured due to some of the stupid decisions I have made in the past.

I just want some stability. I need support and love. I want to feel secure. I don't want to feel like such a mess all the time. I often wonder why me, why is my life so fucked up, why do I always feel like such a damaged person. Why couldn't I have gone the route Megan went? Why couldn't I meet the love of my life at 17? Why did I have to go through so much disappointment, heartbreak and disasters and still end up at square one? What's so wrong with me that things don't just simply work out?
I know I may be a little dramatic given that I am only 25, and I could have easily have ended up with Adam. Sometimes, I wish that I could have just been happy with him and the lifestyle we shared. I hate that I wasn't fulfilled with a man who treated me the best I have ever been treated. Why didn't that work out for me? Why did I sabotage so much? Why am I always so confused and unhappy? Even with Lucas, I felt doubt. Now we are over, all I want is to be with him. He doesn't want to be with me, which makes me want him more, of course. Because I can't be satisfied. I am always wanting or needing. Is there a cure for this? Will I ever find happiness?

I have never gone through such a hard month in my entire life. I had it rough when Colin and I broke up, but I had the support of living in the dorms and had soccer to distract. I have become stronger from that situation, but still...I live by myself. I go to work, I come home, I sleep. I read a little bit. I go on the computer. I go to sleep. I wake up for work the next day. Weekends I get drunk with friends, make poor decisions and start it up all over again. I am not going to do this anymore. It's not working for me.

I am going to be making some serious changes in my life. I have lost 7 lbs since January because I have cut out most of my poor diet. I have consumed maybe 500 calories today. I am simply not hungry. I am going to manage my money better starting March- I already fucked this month up because of my impulsive behavior. I am learning to be honest with myself. I need to seriously fix some shit up. I feel like I have continuously made the same bad decisions for years now. YEARS! I remember getting lectured as a teenager for making stupid decisions. It's part of my character. Be honest. Accept the faults. Make changes.

Lucas has helped me see my faults. He has done an excellent job in pointing them out. I feel like absolute shit right now, but I know I can come out of this terrible time much more wise and mature. I am not going to get into a relationship with anyone for a very long time. I will have to be at a good place emotionally. I have to be more secure and stable.

I need the support of my family right now, but you are all too far away. It's hard being here all alone, but I am managing. I have a wonderful friend at work who is amazing to talk to, and has been someone I can surely trust. I have a few other friends who have been there for me, and of course my best friends from home are always there for me. I am thankful to have such good people in my life.

Sometimes I wish I were an animal, like a cat. Life being human is so complex, especially the older we get. Life becomes less magical and wonderful, and much more gray and painful. There's so much ugliness in the world that I never realized, so much pain and sadness.

There are days, however where I only think of positive thoughts. I haven't had one of those in a while. The last day I was genuinely happy was when I arrived at the RDU airport after my Christmas vacation. Memories still fresh from time home spent with family, and reuniting with someone I loved dearly. It was a good feeling. I miss it, even if it wasn't real.

I don't even care to find love anymore. I know it will either result in heartbreak, or me losing interest. It seems like the only two options. I know I have to keep an open mind, but it's so hard to do. It's not a priority at all right now.

I don't know what is best for me at the moment. Come home for good? Another big change in my life, leaving a good job and my life here in Raleigh. I don't know if that would be best for me right now. Too many changes.

Life is so much more enjoyable when you have someone to share it with. I miss it, but I must be patient and work on myself, not to mention by declining hope in men.

Waiting for sunlight

2010-02-04T19:55:00.000-08:00

'Twas a difficult week my friends.

TO DO!!!!!!!!! I MUST!!!!

2010-01-29T07:48:00.000-08:00

TO DO LIST:

1. Take art classes
a) I am going to learn how to paint oil on canvas
b) Basics in drawing

2. Learn how to sew
a) I need to buy a sewing machine
b) There are classes available in the Raleigh area

3. Go to yoga regularly
a) There is a studio down the street offering hot yoga
b) Eventually become a teacher (2,000 dollars later...that's how much the course is!)

4. Look into different graduate school programs
a) Massage Therapy
b) Occupational Therapy
c) Holistic Health practices

5. Get back into soccer
a) Find an all women's team (for fun league!, just to keep in shape)
b) Outdoor, preferably

6. Run religiously
a) 3 miles everyday

7. Continue eating 1000 calories a day
a) I want to get to the weight of my sisters and mother! They are all much smaller than me!
b) Lose my thick soccer thighs

Tumblr

2010-01-27T18:56:00.000-08:00

If you haven't noticed, I have become obsessed with tumblr. There are so many wonderful blogs to look at, filled with so many inspirations. I have also fallen in love with last.fm. Where the hell would I be without internet?

If you haven't checked out my new blog, do so! www.quixotickate.blogspot.com or better yet, make your own! It's fun, and awfully addicting!

I have an exciting weekend coming up, and I am looking forward to it. Also I am planning on going to Vegas for Marie's wedding, and Megan's shower is set for the spring. Oh the spring. I cannot wait for it's arrival...Spring is the most beautiful here in North Carolina. It really is jaw dropping beautiful here. Lying in the park, reading a book, warm breeze and hopefully a sexy man beside me HA!

I like nights by myself.

I miss you all, family.

Uh oh

2010-01-25T08:55:00.000-08:00

I am listening to Syd Barrett in my office, and it's lunch time. Terrapin. The sun is in full force, and we have been blessed with 60 degree weather. I walked to work today in my t-strap black flats, and the bottoms of my pants ended up wet from last nights rain. I enjoyed a granola bar for breakfast. I don't feel like eating anymore. I have been forced to listen to my thoughts, which I try to run away from. Running has become an excellent coping skill as a way to put my anxiety infused energy to rest, while physically participating in something I wish I could do mentally.

If only I could do this:

A new day

2010-01-20T20:43:00.000-08:00

I went for a walk today with a friend, and as the warm breeze hit my face while strolling down Hillsborough, I thought...yes...I am happy! Today was a good day.
I have been running to and fro from work (some homeless guy ran with me for 30 seconds today...which was strange and kind of frightening), I have been extremely strict with my diet (only snacks, no meals), I gave my Mellow Mushroom left overs to a homeless man whose smile grew so wide, and he was so thankful, and work was awesome today as I helped a kid gain confidence using the bench press (his smile also was so genuine and big when he accomplished his goal) and really enjoyed talking to another patient on our on-campus walk. She is really inspiring, actually. I definitely have a soft spot for her. She looks exactly like Alice Glass, and she has such insight. I really want her to succeed, as I do with the rest of my patients...but she is a very unique girl. This is what life is all about...

I have decided to follow a new possible career path. I might say farewell to occupational therapy, and hello to Holistic Health. I am so interested in it...and truly believe in the concept. I might have to look more into this. Balance. I wish to get more into yoga, and possibly take the course (very expensive) to be a teacher. I want to learn more about fitness, and possibly be a fitness instructor (I love classes!). My past in gymnastics, cheerleading and soccer helped give me insight into different athletic activities. Dance, flexibility, coordination and strength in gymnastics/cheerleading and endurance, mental strength and technique in soccer. I am so greatful for my athletic achievements- they have definitely helped me get where I am (soccer scholarship especially). I am looking into what I can specialize in with regards to holistic health.

I am beyond happy knowing Megan is having a little girl. Her telling me how Joe reacted to the news made me so incredibly happy for her. Megan, you are one lucky lady, and as I said during my maid of honor speech, I can only dream of having the type of love you and Joe share between each other. You are so devoted to each other, it really is inspiring. I can't wait to be Crazy Aunt x 3! All my little nephews and niece...I love them so much! I can't wait to be home for good. Family is of most importance.

I am going to bed, smiling and listening to favorite music. Alone, but not lonely.

All I really need is some music therapy.

2010-01-19T18:19:00.000-08:00

Coachella, why must you be across the continent? Why can't you be located right here in Raleigh? Damn you! Thom Yorke????? Seriously, this is too good to be real.

In Limbo

2010-01-19T16:12:00.000-08:00

I'm lost at sea,
Don't bother me
I've lost my way

Hellhole Ratface- Girls

2010-01-16T17:49:00.000-08:00

Absolutely exactly how I feel at the moment:

im sick and tired of the way that i feel,
im sick of dreaming and its never for real.
im all alone with my deep thoughts.
im all alone with my heartache and my good intentions.

i work to eat and drink and sleep just to live,
feels like im never getting back what i give.
ive got a sad song in my sweet heart.
and all i really ever need is some love and attention

and i dont want to cry my whole life through,
i want to do some laughing too.
so come on, come on, come on, come on, laugh with me.
and i dont want to die without shaking up a leg or two,
yeah, i want to do some dancing too.
so come on, come on, come on, come on, dance with me.

sometimes youve just gotta make it for yourself.
sometimes sugar, it just takes someone else.
sometimes youve just gotta make it for yourself.
sometimes baby, you just need someone else.

and i dont want to cry my whole life through
i want to do some laughing too
so come on, come on, come on, come on, laugh with me.
and i dont want to die without shaking up a leg or two
yeah, i want to do some dancing too
so come on, come on, come on, come on, dance with me.

sometimes youve just gotta make it for yourself.
sometimes honey, it just takes someone else.
sometimes youve just gotta make it for yourself.
sometimes darling, you just need someone else.

and i dont want to cry my whole life through
i want to do some laughing too
so come on, come on, come on, come on, laugh with me.
and i dont want to die without shaking up a leg or two
yeah, i want to do some dancing too
so come on, come on, come on, come on, dance with me.

Pg. 80

2010-01-09T16:26:00.000-08:00

"Homesickness is just a state of mind for me. I'm always missing someone or someplace or something. I'm always trying to get back to some imaginary somewhere. My life has been one long longing." -Elizabeth Wetzell

To Perceive and Expel

2010-01-05T13:10:00.000-08:00

I am exploring Tumblr as opposed to blogspot, as a means to explore a new website and see if there are any benefits or disadvantages to using Tumblr vs Blogspot. For the mean time, I would like to share with you my new website http://www.quixotickate.tumblr.com/ !!! As I previously mentioned, my new blog will be focused more on film, photography, music and fashion and Escapist's Refuge will continue to be my literary dump of stories, thoughts and events that occur in my life. How narcissistic am I?

Pick some shoe-zies!

2010-01-05T12:45:00.001-08:00

Ok I have to make a decision, and I need your help... I was given an Aldo gift card for christmas, so I must pick a pair of shoes from these three...what do you think? I wish they had a Manolo Blahnik Rocco rip offs...Or better yet, I wish I could afford the real thing! Oh expensive taste, you suck. Balenciaga, Poenza Schouler, Manolo Blahnik, YSL, Louboutins...mmmmmmmmmm

Some tasty Balenciaga Platform Sandal rip offs:

Some Sam Edelman/Balenciaga rip offs:

Or these? (I enjoy the wedge)

Burrrr....mmm Jordache!

2010-01-03T14:12:00.000-08:00

Wow it's really cold here. I thought by leaving London, I would be leaving freezing weather behind, but behold...Raleigh is experiencing very chilling weather. Lucas and I went for our typical downtown walk, and I only happen to have my North Face thin fall jacket with me. I left my leather jacket at home AGAIN (I blame Mother who puts it in a closet I never go into!), so I had no winter jacket. So on our way back from the Times, we stopped into my favorite thrift store, Father and Son. I was thinking of getting a long cheetah print trimmed jacket which would have been very suitable to wear with dresses, and the cheetah print is pretty in at the moment. The jacket was 42 dollars and was missing a button, so I went for this 18 dollar hilarious multi functional beauty. It is insulated with down feathers, fits like a glove and unbelievably retro. You can even unzip the jacket arms off to make a sweet vest. Lucas and I looked like quite the pair with me sporting this jacket, and Lucas' very 70's blue vest and retro zip up he bought at Urban Outfitters. st! Check this Jordache out:

I am also going to begin a new blog devoted to my artistic interpretation of all that occurs around me including photography (mine and others), fashion, film and music. I am working on it now, but I will post the address when I am content with it. Escapist's Refuge will continue on as a diary type blog for all those who care to know what's going on with me.

New Years Eve

2010-01-01T10:55:00.000-08:00

The last day of 2009 was a very pleasant one. I spent most of the day with my sister as we visited Talize, and took the pups for a good long walk with our madre. We then enjoyed ordered in chinese food with my siblings, Oma and Angela. Ange got us tickets for The Barking Frog so I got to visit my old employment, caught up with some old co-workers (I miss some of those people!) and got a free bus home without any barf in sight. One thing that seriously irritated me were the conversations that took place in women's bathroom at the bar. So many fake women making annoying comments about tans, hair and makeup accompanied with their high pitched voices. Every time I went in there, I couldn't wait to get the hell out. I miss The Raleigh Times, but will be back in North Carolina bright and early tomorrow! Now that Christmas and New Years are over, can't we skip January and February and let it be Spring?

At the bar...not looking too thrilled but sporting the necklace Ellen got for me from Prague! I love it!

Ange and I at the bus stop...ange is wearing a value village favorite, and I am wearing my express frilly dress and sporting my new belt and little leather purse from Talize.

Before heading out, we stopped at my brother's friends place. Pat and me

Mom and Meg with the pups on our walk (I am going to miss these)

MARMAR and Zen digging

I enjoy this picture...Zen in leaping and Marley with his big stick.

Megan and her pups ahead! I am really going to miss Megan and the puppies :(

Winter adventures with Dewey

2009-12-28T12:00:00.000-08:00

With my Dad gone to Florida, and my mom with a migraine, it is up to I to take the fellow out for a walk. I took him out yesterday and found the landscape to be so beautiful, so I brought along my camera today. I love fresh snow...so crisp and pure.

2 days ago with my Mom on our walk

Nights out in London

2009-12-27T16:01:00.000-08:00

It's strange coming back to this city. The comfort of my home and a few consistent dependable friends are all I care to see here in the Forest City. Perhaps it's the ugliness that is winter that has worsened the city's appearance. Perhaps it's the fact I have seen many other (much nicer) North American cities. I can't imagine travelling to Europe, living in a city like Leipzig (as my parents did for 5 months last year) and returning back to London. Yikes. My home is very homey and comfy, with the addition of the ravine in the backyard which helps. That alone can make living in London doable.

Ange and I went out to Jim Bob's for Christmas night, and I was so overwhelmed by the patrons of the bar. People assured me that Jim Bob's typically attracts the type of characters I witnessed, and to not make quick judgments. It's difficult because I am never here, so I base my judgments on the days I do go out. I felt like I stepped into a time warp- back to 2001 or something. The men in this joint...my word. Spiked hair, baggy jeans, tight shirts with ridiculous graffics, baseball hats...I had one obnoxious character approach me, tried to put his mack on, and I obviously completely uninterested tried to ignore him by talking to my friend Evan (who has a girlfriend) and is my best friend's cousin whom I grew up with. The asshole who tried to pursue me got mad that I was ignoring him and started yelling "Nice catch you got there!" along with other insults as he walked away. Really? The women too, are of another sort. I have never seen so many styled, streaky hair super styled. They put Victoria Beckham's hair to shame. And the super tight, no style dresses that I have seen people wear for the past 8 years or so...The bar smelt and I couldn't move to get through. Thank god I was with Ange and Bre who were decked out in Christmas gear and who could give a shit what people thought as we danced like animals in an attempt to make the most of it. I said, no more to the London night scene. I did venture out to Joe Kools for dinner, and was greeted with the same type of slime 10 years older. The woman sitting beside Morgan and I had to be in her 40's, so sickly thin, huge blonde hair and ridiculous fake breasts. She really did scare me. I am heading to Toronto for New Years as Susana lives right downtown 5 minutes from the bus station, thank god. I don't enjoy Toronto snobs, but I can honestly see why they become the way they are. Susana's brothers will be in tow, so it should be a very entertaining night. That family is hilarious- and apparently her parents are building a house in Guatemala!

When I return back to Raleigh, I have been told by Lucas I will have season 1 and 2 of Tim and Eric to enjoy. I bought season 4 of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia with my gift card, so lots of wonderful television to enjoy after a hard days work. I will be back with Lucas in less than a week, however I do wish he would drive here and surprise me for New Years .

Anyways, here are some pictures for you of my terrible Jim Bob's adventure which will never happen again- especially sober!

Christmas 2009

2009-12-24T23:49:00.000-08:00

Scenes of Christmas 2009

Since I have gotten rid of facebook, I need a place to upload my pictures in case my computer crashes, so I don't lose them all. I perhaps should invest in a flickr account...hmmm...anyways, here are some from Christmas Eve with the Weinhardt bunch:

Joe and Zenny yawning

Marge's new LL Bean parka from gee-off

The crew...Uncle John, Marge, Beki, Rachel, Kevin, gee-off, Silvia and Frankie

Smeagle

Meg, Moi et Marge in her token lime green

Die Oma!

We miss you Ellen!!! The siblings

Zenny and the Doggie Snuggie I bought her hahaha...so ridiculous

Smeagle 5 months pregnant and me!

So nice to be with the family for Christmas- I love these crazy people.

oh, Home!

2009-12-18T20:16:00.000-08:00

First Painter Christmas since 2007! I can't wait! The anticipation is killing me! Lucas left today to go to B's graduation (left early to avoid the freezing rain/snow) so I was left to enjoy chick flicks, music and reading in my cozy apartment. I try to ignore the creepy noises, but I have a bad habit of picturing creepy things that can occur. For example, I saw my bike outside my bedroom door. I pictured in my mind that the bicycle moved on it's own. I got freaked out by my own self inflicted image...yes I have an anxiety problem! I will pack tomorrow, watch another one of my redbox movies and enjoy a lovely evening with Kelsey! I hope the weather clears up a bit. I will have all day Sunday to relax for the long travels ahead that begin at 6:00 when I should arrive at the airport. I am excited that Martin will be there to pick me up instead of the carny Robert Q, and will get to spend the very early hours of Monday with Patrick and Martin on the ride home from Detroit! Meg is coming over on Monday, and hopefully I will get to meet Zenny and see Meg's new house. Ange comes back on the 22nd, and Morgan's having a party. I am so overjoyed! I only wish Lucas could come with, but it is best we are apart for these two weeks. I think it will be for the best, make me appreciate him more and treat him better in return. I love him so much!

Can't wait to see everyone!

This makes me happy!

2009-12-17T07:03:00.000-08:00

...and makes me want to dance around like a loon!

(Meg- you will like this one!) Will be on the best of cd!

Music 2009

2009-12-15T20:03:00.000-08:00

Favorite albums of 2009!!!!

Crystal Castles (came out in 2008 but I only discovered them early this year)

Camera Obscura- My Maudlin Career

Bear in Heaven- Beast Rest Forth Mouth

Animal Collective- Merriweather Post Pavilion

Grizzly Bear- Veckatimist

Band of Skulls-Baby Darling Dollface Honey (it's weird seeing promo pics after you drink beers with them in person (my favorite was the drummer Matt!)

Dirty Projectors- Bitte Orca

I am getting my first annual best of 2009 CD compilation (probably 3-4 18 track cd's labeled under Rock, Relax and Rejoice!) complete for Christmas, so you will most definitely hear a few songs from these wonderful bands. I think this is a good way to organize favorites year after year (in my opinion of course), which will be nice to look back to in time. I have also made a profile at last.fm which is a great tool to discover new bands and songs (my profile is katesoccer24). My favorite singles will be all on the cd's I am giving you.

Only three more days until I am done with work for 2 weeks. Ahhhh... will be a nice, deserving break filled with relaxation, good conversations and fun with friends and family!

See you all soon!! Arriving in London probably around 3:30 am Monday morning...augh!

Liebemarlene

2009-12-15T18:28:00.000-08:00

Love!

http://stores.ebay.com/Liebemarlene-Vintage

http://www.flickr.com/people/liebemarlene/

Change my life

2009-12-14T18:05:00.000-08:00

Car culture looks out at you
Driving through a freeway
Night on your own
You don't have to please me
Or pick up my tab
Don't have to go too fast
Just change my life
Change my life
Change my life
Change my life

I miss the way you hold yourself
I miss the sense of wonder inside
Don't want to be your victims of life
Don't want your exclusive rights
I just want you to change my life
Change my life

the rosebuds do a wonderful, beautiful remake of this Spoon song. Seems to capture my mood at the moment. Just change my life. Change my life.

please copy and paste in a new window:

http://dodge77.com/prequels/04%20Change%20My%20Life%20(Spoon%20Cover).mp3

After work...

2009-12-14T15:33:00.000-08:00

I am recovering from my second swine flu scare (when you get sick while working at a hospital, they always seem to assume the worse) and I returned back to work today still feeling a little off. Today was Iteen (inpatient exercise and nutrition program) so from 3:30-4:45 I was doing constant exercises first with the girls, and then with the boys. We went running for 15 minutes with the boys, and it was a little rough due to being sick still, and having serious cramps. I am so happy to be able to work at a facility that uses exercise as therapy, twice a week for Iteen, and twice a week for my fitness groups (we play more games for my fitness, and Iteen is more pushups/crunches type exercises). I think it's a nice balance for the kids, and for myself as well!

I am getting really excited for my trip home, and hopefully spending lots of time with sister meg. Megan, keep it up with the updates. Reading about your pregnancy stories put me in such a better mood. I can't wait to see your belly! I wonder if yours or mine is bigger ha. Ange is back on the 22nd, I have no idea where Susana is because she is the hardest person to keep in touch with and Morgan will be in the London area, so I am happy they will all be in town. Plus I am sure I will run into lots of random people I haven't seen in years (always a delight of London) so plenty to look forward.

After Lucas' and my situation last week, I have a new perspective on our relationship and realized how important he really is. It's so easy to take people for granted, and not appreciate their many qualities when we see them everyday. I think it's important to keep this in mind. Sometimes fights can be a good thing as it helps us realize things we were doing wrong, and to keep us grounded. I am so sorry that I was irrational with him. I don't regret it as it was a growing experience, however I do feel bad that I was so rude and dismissive. I am so thankful that he really does love me, and wants me in his life. He tries so hard to make me happy, and I really should complain about our apartment and our roach buddies that hang out in our closet. ha. He wants to provide me with nice things, but he can't as he is a student and will be for another few years. He tries, and I need to appreciate the little things instead of getting so ahead of myself.

Anyways, I am really tired and I have four days of work ahead of me...so I should rest to get this blasted sickness out of my system. Winter. I am not enjoying your presence. I miss warmth and the sun.

Confession

2009-12-12T14:47:00.001-08:00

I would just like to update some of you on a few things:

The past month or so, I had increasing feelings of anxiety and some depression. I was crying way too often, worrying too much and feeling very flat which is quite abnormal for my usual bubbly self. I don't know what brought this increase of sour moods in, however I am determined to quit the "oh, woe is me" attitude.

I have a lot to be proud of, and there are many things I should be happy about. My mood has affected my life in ways that were only detrimental. I frustrated Lucas with my sadness as there was no reason for them. It wasn't the relationship that was out of wack- it was purely me. I broke up with him because I thought he was the cause of these dreadful feelings, even though he tried to support me, he tried coaxing me down when I was really upset (for no good reason), he tried everything which ended up in him being frustrated that he couldn't fix my problems, and me angry that he would try to interfere so much. After catching him in some unimportant, menial lies, I decided to end it completely. Out of wit and out of mind I became, and from the stress I became quite ill with a serious cold and fever.

It's Saturday, and I finally feel like myself. I haven't felt this good in a while. I don't know what came over me- maybe the overload in negative thoughts produced the other spectrum of feelings. I am not euphoric or anything, I just feel like 'me'. And because of this shift, Lucas and I are getting along like we should, talked through things and I feel much better about our situation. More importantly, I feel good about myself and my future. I need to learn not be such an entitled little child expecting to have things that take time and hard work to achieve. I need to learn to be patient, and appreciate the things that matter- things of substance vs. material goods. Nice things do make me happy, and I wish I could be a little less materialistic. I do need a car, as having a bike is very limiting, especially when grocery shopping and during the pouring cold rain. Instead of whining that I don't have a car, I need to begin saving for one. I need to be proactive instead of a useless negatron. I have already started on my goals of 2010, and it will be very different from my last set of goals.

My mind is fragile- I am fragile. I am beginning to sense the "Wow, I am turning into my mother" realization. I flutter my eyes when I get stressed (I did this in front of a patient, and he was pretty freaked out). Stress causes headaches, and I am easily overwhelmed. I am weak in this respect (something I truly dislike about myself). I don't want to turn into a negative Nancy, and get so stressed out from the most menial tiny tasks (when this happens, it would indicate some minor depression). I refuse to let these moods take over my life. I need a restart button that when my brain begins to reduce the availability of neurotransmitters. Unfortunately, this only happens naturally through time. Your brain has a way of getting the chemicals balanced all on it's own. I don't think my situation is severe enough for psychotropic drugs, but I think there would be some benefit in talking to a therapist of some sort just to provide a place to get educated feedback on my stressful situations rather than repress repress repress until boom- I cry for no reason, and I alienate myself from others, especially those who love me.

Lucas and I are mending our relationship after a tough week, and more importantly, after gaining insight and admitting to myself that my moods are not normal or functional, I may need to do something proactive about it. There is nothing to be ashamed of- in fact, one psychiatrist that I work with goes to see his therapist weekly. I will look into this when I return back from my nice two week visit at home.

I hope my time at home with family and friends will provide me with some clarity, support and a time to reflect and focus on my life. It will be a positive trip and I won't let my moods take precedence again. No no no. Positive, easy going people live longer than pessimists, don't ya know.

I wish I could write like this

2009-12-12T14:06:00.000-08:00

"Some catastrophic situations invite clarity, explode in split moments: You smash your hand through a windowpane and then there is blood and shattered glass stained with red all over the place; you fall out a window and break some bones and scrape some skin. Stitches and casts and bandages and antiseptic solve and salve the wounds. But depression is not a sudden disaster. It is more like a cancer: At first its tumorous mass is not even noticeable to the careful eye, and then one day-wham!-there is a huge, deadly seven-pound lump lodged in your brain or your stomach or your shoulder blade, and this thing that your own body has produced is actually trying to kill you. Depression is a lot like that: Slowly, over the years, the data will accumulate in your heart and mind, a computer program for total negativity will build into your system, making life feel more and more unbearable. But you won't even notice it coming on, thinking that it is somehow normal, something about getting older, about turning eight or turning twelve or turning fifteen, and then one day you realize that your entire life is just awful, not worth living, a horror and a black blot on the white terrain of human existence. One morning you wake up afraid you are going to live." -Elizabeth Wetzell

2010 quickly approaching

2009-12-11T12:49:00.001-08:00

The goals I set for 2009 and my thoughts on them all:

*Complete confidence in what I am doing in life at that moment

I am pretty confident in my life at the moment- I do have a stable, good job, a decent apartment and plans for graduate school in the fall are almost definite. I feel good about getting some work experience in before attending school, that will almost definitely help my job searching when I graduate.

*Letting go of doubts

I had doubts about Adam at the time, and I pursued those which was the best decision for me. I am still in an icky spot relationship wise (must be that time of year), but I feel much better about myself today than I did a year ago.
*Letting go in general

I am not sure what I meant by this...perhaps letting go of all the doubts I had in my relationship at the time (in other words, deny what was going on). Good thing I didn't follow through with this one.

*Actually get back to 120 lbs

HAHAHA Jesus...what a goal to tackle. Still enjoy food too much, and diet is the most important element in losing weight. Exercise helps, but food is more important. If I wanted it bad enough, I am sure I could get there. The problem is, I am fairly happy with myself.

*being a better friend

It's been difficult due to the distance issue I have with friends from home and friends from college. I am hoping this will become easier once I am back in London.

*being a better sister

Trying to be there for Megan in May so I can help her out as much as possible with the baby. Also, Ellen will be back this summer, so I am aiming to provide both my sisters' all the support they need. I will babysit for free!

*being a better daughter

Well, I have been living on my own for the past year without needing much help from the parentals, so I am hoping they are proud of me. However I will be regressing to student in the coming year (hopefully), so this might change.

*pay off my debt

Well, now I just owe my parents money. I will get there!!

*take ownership of my own life

I have my own lease, a stable job and a decent pay check every month. I think I accomplished this.
*Save a kitten's life

I actually did do this during the summer while on my way to work. Heard a kitten's cry coming from a drain in the ground. Spent all day trying to get the little guy out. Marie has the kitten now!
*Getting involved with soccer in Raleigh

I did play indoor for a few months, but got annoyed playing against old, sweaty men.

*Organize the best Bridal Shower ever!

errr...um...couldn't come home for this due to work. How about organize the best baby shower ever!
*Be the best bridesmaid I can be :)

Even if I had a giggle fest walking down the aisle (sooo awkward), I think I did an alright job. It was pretty easy and lots of fun!

*Stop gossiping

haha...why stop?

*Stop biting nails

NEVER!!!! I couldn't even stop this even with acrylic nails!

*Do things for the right reason

I am a flip flopper by nature...

*Get control of my flighty, emotional thoughts

I think some medications will do the trick!! ha j/k.

I will create new (less subjective, more measurable) goals for 2010 in a later post.

BOOTS!

2009-12-11T09:22:00.000-08:00

Please ignore me from the neck up- I just woke up, feel like hell but very excited about boots. Yeah I know, something is wrong with me. Blahhh....

Sudafed, help me!

2009-12-11T00:04:00.000-08:00

So sick and I can't sleep! So frustrating! My throat is so sore, all I can concentrate on is the sounds the damn heater is making (weird continuous clicking that interfered with my dreams-I hate that) and I am now wide awake. Very frustrating. Took Sudafed, so I am hoping that kicks in soon, but at the moment, not much success. Damn you, white hot chocolate mocha (drank at 6pm). So what better to do than do a little web browsing at some inspirational photographs!

I went onto who, what, wear and noticed this post. I think this is pretty ironic because for the past 4 months, I have made it an effort to get my hair as close to natural color as possible (dark blonde). After 3 weeks of getting my hair done, the blonde streaks that have been in my hair for years show through, and I have this awkward 4 inches of brown natural roots and then the blonde gradually becomes dominant. I am sort of annoyed with this (maintenance is expensive), but I guess this post made me feel a little more confident with my color situation? From now on, I'll just tell people 'Oh yeah, it's on purpose- going for the 'Ombre hair' look- get with it!'. (I am kidding, hoping you know that by now).

I was absolutely delighted to find two new pairs of boots at TJ Maxx today for CHEAP (because I simply cannot afford to buy 150-200 dollars on boots) and I am thrilled with them. The one pair are a little "interesting" as some might say, but I have been on the lookout for some ankle lace up booties and these fit the ticket. The black booties I bought also are another perfect staple item for the wardrobe. I have noticed I really enjoy simplicity when it comes to dressing, which is probably why Karla from Karlascloset and Rumi from Fashiontoast are two of my favorite fashion bloggers. I love how Karla has such an athletic body, but makes anything (even pajama pants) look uber feminine (and her shoe collection is to die for). Rumi is painfully thin, but has a very interesting look mixing exotic with California cool. White, black and gray seem to be a constant theme in her choice of clothing, and I really enjoy how she can mix simplicity and add a little personality and originality into each outfit. She really enjoys showcasing her stems, which I obviously only adore since I have always been a huge fan of the mini skirt (When you have as muscular legs especially calves as I do, you quickly learn that anything hitting the knee or lower is a huge No-no, unless you wish to look short and stocky).
I am beginning to read Elizabeth Wurzell's memoir "Prozac Nation". It shouldn't come to a surprise to you to know that I am absolutely fascinated with mental health. The Bell Jar is still one of my favorites, and Wurzell's writing style is fabulous:

“"I always carry lots of stuff with me wherever I roam, always weighted down with books, with cassettes, with pens and paper, just in case I get the urge to sit down somewhere, and oh, I don't know, read something or write my masterpiece. I want all my important possessions, my worldly goods, with me at all times. I want to hold what little sense of home I have left with me always. I feel so heavy all the time, so burdened. This must be a little bit like what it's like to be a bag lady, to drag your feet here, there, and everywhere, nowhere at all."”

It's my first book since finishing Oryx and Crake, and I am really excited that I picked out a book that I will thoroughly enjoy. When you are in the middle of a good book, the anticipation of what comes next still thrills me in the most childish of ways. The older I get, the less excited I get of most things (Christmas day being one), so I am hoping this is one activity which will continue to provide me excitement and anticipation.

I am beginning to feel the sudafed (thank god), so I will be off to bed. I don't think I am fit for work tomorrow so I will be resting all day. One week on Sunday and I will be sleeping at 1180!!!

(I will post pictures of my boots tomorrow! I know you are all way too excited to see them...haha)

To be human

2009-12-10T11:08:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel this way too:

http://sonicreducerblog.blogspot.com/2006/07/i-hate-being-human.html

...and sometimes I wake up, cheerful and thrilled to be alive.

ps. The guy from the blog is pretty amusing...

Careless Love

2009-12-08T19:03:00.000-08:00

Thank you Traceyanne Campbell for helping me survive this very sad time. Being very isolated, so far from family and friends who would be there to help me through this, I can always rely on music. When she sings Careless Love, it hits deeply.
Honey, I've been really struggling

I don't feel right, I don't feel healthy. I feel alone and I have to put on an act while at work to be professional. I try to distract my mind from thinking about what state my life is in at the moment.

The love I feel for you is real.

How do I allow myself to get to this point? After this, I am almost 99 percent sure I cannot maintain a healthy functional monogamous relationship. It simply may not be in the cards for me. And life goes on...

I wish to escape here:

The NOLA Art House during one of their water park events. Very hipster but looks very therapeutic, supportive and fun.

...oh, I deactivated facebook. Hoping this attempt lasts. Focus on me, self improvement and gaining/maintaining a healthy, active mind.

Living

2009-12-07T09:56:00.000-08:00

This following poem communicates a feeling and thought I have often experienced, especially as I gain experience with life and wonder very natural human questions: Why am I here? When will this end? What are we supposed to be doing? Is my life inconsequential? What does being alive mean? It spoke to me immediately where as some poems take me a while to apply to my own life, or use to empathize. I especially enjoy when Munro gives the physical visual "I let my fingers move along my body" that to feel sensation within the nerves of your fingers, you feel the smooth warmth and softness of your living physical body which offers you the realization that yes, you are a living organism in this very large world. I think it's masterful that he scientifically describes the brains functions which allows us to live "rapid messages and signals"- hormones and chemicals. The ending is beautiful- giving the reader great visual into the beauty that surround us, which we often take for granted.

Living

Slow bleak awakening from the morning dream
Brings me in contact with the sudden day.
I am alive – this I.
I let my fingers move along my body.
Realization warns them, and my nerves
Prepare their rapid messages and signals.
While Memory begins recording, coding,
Repeating; all the time Imagination
Mutters: You'll only die.

Here's a new day. O Pendulum move slowly!
My usual clothes are waiting on their peg.
I am alive – this I.
And in a moment Habit, like a crane,
Will bow its neck and dip its pulleyed cable,
Gathering me, my body, and our garment,
And swing me forth, oblivious of my question,
Into the daylight – why?

I think of all the others who awaken,
And wonder if they go to meet the morning
More valiantly than I;
Nor asking of this Day they will be living:
What have I done that I should be alive?
O, can I not forget that I am living?
How shall I reconcile the two conditions:
Living, and yet – to die?

Between the curtains the autumnal sunlight
With lean and yellow finger points me out;
The clock moans: Why? Why? Why?
But suddenly, as if without a reason,
Heart, Brain, and Body, and Imagination
All gather in tumultuous joy together,
Running like children down the path of morning
To fields where they can play without a quarrel:
A country I'd forgotten, but remember,
And welcome with a cry.

O cool glad pasture; living tree, tall corn,
Great cliff, or languid sloping sand, cold sea,
Waves; rivers curving; you, eternal flowers,
Give me content, while I can think of you:
Give me your living breath!
Back to your rampart, Death.

-Harold Monro

With all the luck you've had, why are you still so sad?

2009-12-06T19:52:00.000-08:00

I wrote this post in late November, and decided not to post it but now reading it, I think it shows that I wasn't alright even when I was with Lucas. My problems weren't Lucas. I think it's important for me to take responsibility and not look for people, events or outside forces to blame. I feel like I have progressed from this place, and I am thankful.

As of late, I have been experiencing some depressive mood symptoms. I think it is a result of not having the right hormone levels due to my hypothyroidism, however I am fully aware that depression seems to run in my family. Very randomly, I am filled with intense anxiety and being crying for no reason at all, and all my worries begin to flood my mind. I definitely think I have a minor anxiety problem, but one that can be helped with coping skills and supportive people (not medication). I can't handle the constant crying though, for no reason. I am hoping this will be solved by getting me meds right for my thyroid problem (stupid thyroid!).

Distractions welcomed
forget the truth
hidden beneath the hypodermis
too shallow to be repressed

My education is my own demise
fully aware of the fragile mind.
Chemicals consistently being released
I am helpless against the dictator of my body.

Out of control and out of mind.
Overwelmed.
Heart races and I get dizzy
My rational mind is caged.

I long for freedom
to feel the simple state of happiness
tears stream, I inhale
make a haze of my life.

Yes, I am guilty
gifted with many blessings
Poor, entitled child
You cannot see clearly.

Selective seratonin reuptake inhibitors
A clinical deficiency
A chemical aid
So I can smile even when the clouds have a winter grey glow.

SPICE

2009-12-04T09:51:00.000-08:00

I saw this band live downtown Raleigh a month or so ago...and I heard this song in the radio this morning (Love 88.1!), and it's a wonderful tune to begin your day on a positive, fun, spunky note!

...the best thing is, they were even better live. I have some videos of them on my computer at home that I need to load, so perhaps I'll share tonight.

Happy today is Friday, however I did sign up to work tomorrow 12-8, 5-8 on Monday (after my 8:30-5 shift) and next Saturday 12-8...so happy fun positive music is necessary! It is still unknown on whether I get comp time or overtime pay...I am happy with either. I like more money, but I also like time off!

X-mas shopping has been rather successful and for the most part easy, however I still have Lucas and Mother to buy for. I can't wait for the holidays!

I have a question to all those experienced persons: At some point, do you just accept the routine that is every day life? How terribly depressing. I do love my job, and I am so very thankful I chose this career (low stress, very active and interactive) however spending 40 hours of the week at work only to return home to clean/cook/exercise and then sleep have had some negative effects on my psyche. I am craving some spontaneity in my life. I had tons of spontaneity when I was single, having just moved to Raleigh, hanging out with Marie and various friends, going out very often etc. but now...life has settled down, I am having to save money and be responsible= b o r i n g. "Kate, it is time to grow up" some might say, but I fear that accepting this type of conformist boring lifestyle is simply giving up on what could be better. By simply succumbing to routine full of responsibility, organization and predictability, you lose some excitement. For my best friend Angela, who has spent the last few years travelling and experiencing life to it's fullest, I am scared for her when she returns back to Canada, begins teaching and enters the routine life of a full time employee working for the province. It is quite the transition, and you almost can witness yourself evolve from wild, care free student to robotic employee. I must fight this! Any ideas how to keep life exciting without binge drinking and drugs? Perhaps weekend trips to the mountains/beach...however those can become expensive. Hmmm...

Some ideas:
1. Live shows
2. Discovering new towns/cities within a close radius
3. Weekend trip to the mountains (perhaps make a 4 day weekend out of it)
4. Weekend trip to the beach
5. Meet up with random friends you haven't seen in a while

Perhaps make cleaning fun by putting on some funky music and playing it loudly.
Make working out exciting by attending different classes supplied by your gym.
Join classes (I would like to go to a sewing and cooking class to improve my domestic skills, of which I have none.)

What is important is to not become comfortable with routine. Spice up your life, as the famous philosophers "The Spice Girls" once preached. ha. Now, for some motivation!!

Scenesters

2009-12-02T06:46:00.001-08:00

"Look!!! A Hipster"

We walk to get a closer look.

"Oh...wait...it's just a homeless man."

This has occured many times. Hipsters amuse me with their iPhones, 1000 dollar road bikes and their thrift store purchases.

Please check THIS website out.

Tres Amusant. However, there needs to be more girl scenesters.

Here's Lucas' scenester...pretty dead on except for the new balances. Swap NB for some high top Nikes:

Lust for Life

2009-11-30T11:12:00.000-08:00

Upon viewing some of my favorite fashion bloggers (especially www.popcultureafternoon.blogspot.com), I am in deep desire of some ankle lace up booties (wedge preferably), some multi strap mary jane-esque pumps and some Jeffery Campbell Booties! It definitely costs a lot of money to be current with fashion...Jeffery Campbell boots are typically over 200 dollars each. I guess I could check out Aldo for some imitations, which still are typically over 100 dollars each.

How do these girls afford such a large closet and the ability to buy such expensive shoes so easily?!

I think these would be best for me and my budget ($78):

Following fashion is a curse. It just makes you want and lust, but I guess not being a trust fund baby can provide some fun and challenge for the searching for cheaper alternatives process (Marshalls anyone?!). My thrift shop excursions as of late has not been too successful. Lucas did score a pretty sweet vest while we were in Chapel Hill. I keep finding sweet sequined dresses that I would love to hack and make into a mini dress...but the motivation to sew and learn to sew on a sewing machine has weakened. Perhaps another new years resolution to be continued for 2010! I am looking forward to Talize visits with Megan when I return to the Forest City in a few weeks.

I did find a deal on Black Friday- purchased a frilly Free People black high waisted skirt for 23 dollars which was originally $88. My friend Diana introduced me to a new store I had never heard of called 'Madewell', and I am in love. It's a little pricey, but very good quality, comfortable, simplistic yet fashionable clothing. I also bought some t-strap black flats from UA for only 36 dollars, and I like how they make me feel like an 8 year old again!

In the past I have been particularly against over the knee boots, (a little too Pretty Woman for my taste), however I have become warmer to the style, if worn tastefully. My friend Diana wore some over her leggings, with a long v-neck t-shirt and blazer. Very tastefully done. Even with a little black dress, they don't have to look so prostitute like (patent I think is a BAD idea!). I think some flat black over the knee boots would do the trick.

Ok, now I have to do group with the kids! Enough of this materialistic nonsense!
:)

Oh, my vacation got approved, so I will be home December 19th! See you soon!

Met the band

2009-11-28T07:39:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving weekend. I love Charlotte. Justin, Lucas and I went to the Band of Skulls/Metric show last night and it was amazzzzzzzzzzzzing. Again, I got the front row and Band of Skulls were amazing live. Metric was kick ass too, Emily being a little crazy as always in a mini sequined dress and amazing legs! After the show, we met Russel Marsden (the male lead singer/guitarist) of Band of Skulls and had a good conversation about Twilight (tee hee) and groupies. We went to our favorite bar (next door) called The Sanctuary, and there we had drinks/chilled with the entire Band of Skulls band members and Metric's band members (everyone but Emily sadly). I don't know where Emily went because all the roadies and all of her band mates were there. In anycase, hanging out with the people whom you've been listening to their cd's is quite a surreal experience. I told the drummer (Matt) that my Dad lit up when I told him that they were from Southhampton. He also let me know he misses home, and the band (I talked to all of them) gave me an impression that these people are very down to earth, friendly, balanced and sweet. It was shocking to me how normal these people were. The drummer was almost bashful and shy when I was talking to him...you would think they would be uber confident and cocky. I then had a conversation with James Shaw (who used to date Emily, and is her lead guitarist) about how he hates Christmas. It was all very surreal and exciting. My camera of course died, and I left my cd case in the car, so I have nothing to show for this but ah well...the memories will continue.
I bought all of Ellen's christmas presents, and the package will be sent out next week, so look forward to that. If you could send me your address Ellen, that would be lovely. I requested a week and a bit off, so I will let you know if it is do-able for me to come home, which it should be. Probably drive all day Dec 18th or 19th.
Today I think I am getting my hair done, and we are having our grand friend thanksgiving dinner tonight...surrounded by friends and left overs! I wish we lived here instead of Raleigh...

Feel like movin'

2009-11-24T14:49:00.000-08:00

I am just fucked in the head

Our Destination...but our misfortune

'Cause it's all right, it's ok

My Birthday

2009-11-14T22:42:00.000-08:00

I had a very wonderful birthday thanks to good weather, Lucas and an amazing show thanks to Jessica Lew Mayfield, Justin Townes Earl, Dan Auerbach and Hacienda (the band that supported Auerbach). I did get scolded by the old woman downstairs of my apartment building this morning, as well by a crazy lady in Chapel Hill on a wheelchair telling Lucas and I if we got hit by a car, it's our own fault (???!!!!). And that was not all...we went to a restaurant in Chapel Hill, and while I was reading the menu, the old waitress snatched it from me very rudely and let us know of the beer specials. She then quickly walked away, returned and asked what we were going to drink. Lucas said "I'll have some water", and she turned her back and said "OK"...without asking me what I would like. I was done with rude crazy ladies for the day, so we quickly left the restaurant. Other than those incidents, the day went very well! Lucas bought me a wireless router (very helpful), Viva La Juicy perfume (my favorite!) and a gift card for victoria secret. The concert was AMAZING...got first row right in the middle. My ears are paying the price currently, but well worth it. The best part being at the end of the show when the band walked off, the guitarist grabbed the setlist and placed it right in my hand. I blushed of course, and was quite flattered that he picked me to have the set list...teehee. I get so awkward around musicians...I had the opportunity to chat it up with members of Hacienda and Jessica (Dan was suffering from the flu), but I feel like such a tool going up to them. Lucas is beyond comfortable talking to those of celebrity status (he used to pick famous comedians to drive them to the comedy club here in town) and talked to Stan Lee on the phone...he has other stories. Anyways, I feel like an idiot making small awkward talk- definitely not my strong point. I feel uncomfortable being a suck-up (Lucas is AMAZING at networking) and would prefer to avoid situations such as those.

I am so incredibly tired. We have been on the go since 8 am this morning. We did stop by South Point Mall and I did find some delicious items that I am dreaming of. A beautiful blazer and a black leather high waisted strapless mini dress from Express (I love express!) and a pair of boots from Aldo to be exact. I haven't bought myself anything clothes/shoes wise in the past few months, so I think I might give myself a birthday gift next month...and probably just buy the blazer, a good staple item. We shall see. Here are some clips from the concert (I had the best spot...I was center leaning against the stage!) :

I love small venues. If only Radiohead could come to cat's cradle instead of amplitheaters...my dream.

The next two weeks are going to be full of events and fun, and I am looking forward to it! I love Chapel Hill's Franklin Street, so might take Dad there for a look around on Thursday. The atmosphere is quite lovely; drive throughs are illegal, local restaurants are everywhere, people are out and about walking...much more inviting than downtown Raleigh...which is full of big state buildings, condos but only a few restaurants (most are great, however) and 2 thrift stores. NC State's campus is ok...Chapel Hill is where it's at, even if they are a little pretentious!

Apartment

2009-11-14T08:01:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my apartment! ...very simple, but it's ok for the mean time. I literally just got scolded by the old lady who lives downstairs for propping the door open, for only 5 minutes while I moved Lucas' car. augh...could have done without that.

It's my birthday, but it's really just another day. I opened one of my presents this morning which was a wireless router...very exciting indeed. Looking forward to dinner and the concert tonight! Missing the days where we would celebrate birthdays at La Flama (Palasad) with family and friends.

A rainy, cold day

2009-11-11T11:20:00.000-08:00

Stuck in this tropical storm- very isolating. Time to listen to music, relax, and reflect. I have been feeling rather down lately for no obvious reason. As most of you know, I go through this time and time again. One of the downfalls of having a very emotional temperament. The cool weather, gray skies and constant rain does not help much in lifting ones spirit. Lucas has been focusing most of his time finishing his 25 page paper due by this Friday, and I am busy staying late trying to clean my office and organize the ridiculous accumulation of supplies my building has. I don't think the room full of supplies has been organized/cleaned out in the past decade. There are old packs of Crayola Model Magic (I don't even know if they make that stuff anymore) and craft kits with children decked out in early 90's outfits on the covers. It's quite the task...anticipating the move on the 18th, and begin working at Cherry Building on the 19th...well 20th because I amd taking the Thursday off.

I have actually taken pictures of my apartment, but Dewey chewed up the cord connecting my camera to the computer while on my visit home this summer, so I had just been putting my memory stick into my laptop. Well, my laptop has arrived but at Lucas' mother's house, so I must wait to have it back. Still hoping for a brand new one with the new windows, but I doubt that's what I'll be getting! One can hope. Regardless, tomorrow or sometime in the near future I will post pictures.

I hate saying this, but I am really impressed with Twilight's soundtrack. I think the films are ridiculous and the fan base even more tiresome, but they did get Thom Yorke to provide a new track, as well as Grizzly Bear...I wish to know why these artists chose to do this (were they offered lots of $?) I am anticipating Animal Collective's new album, and hopefully Thom will come out with another solo soon. Very happy with the consistency of new material Thom and Radiohead have been producing. Seeing Jessica Lea Mayfield and Dan Auerbach for my birthday this Saturday...looking forward to it.

25. Kind of a milestone? I am not sure what to think of this birthday. I have made many changes since my last birthday, but I feel little difference. Perhaps this is all due to my mood, but Thom's lyrics seem to fit at the moment:

Your mind is restless They say you’re getting better But you don’t feel any better Your speakers are blowing Your ears are wrecking Your hearing damage You wish you felt better

I am very restless, and I fear that I haven't made enough stride in conquering my inner demons. I am doing much better this month in regard to saving money, but still unable to lose weight and my life is in dire need of inspiration and motivation. It's horrible to get stuck in routine. I attended a training session at work on mental illness stigma, and even the two hour session gave me so much energy, focus and drive to do better at what I do, and how I treat patients. Education is so important...I need it. Without it, life is dull. I crave new material. I can't wait to get back into school, and learn all I need to know about Occupational Therapy. I just hope they let me in again! I do love what I do, even when it is sometimes a thankless job. It does make me really happy when the kids do say thank you, and have them laugh and have a good time during my groups. The kids I currently have are a difficult bunch (due to no placements...most of them are being relocated to Butner's acute unit), and I have had to end groups early a few times due to disruptive behaviors. However, during indoor fitness (due to rain...they were very disappointed to be staying indoors), I got them to really enjoy doing different exercises, yoga stretches and other activities. They actually followed directions, engaged in lots of laughter and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I love the good days. It still is difficult when you have a tough day, observing one of your kids in restraints and seeing the anger, sadness, hopelessness right in front of you. I see societies ignored problems everyday...it can get difficult. I am so thankful I picked this field though, because life for me is not about profit, sales, or any other dog eat dog type of value. I do believe in community and helping those who need it. Apparently less developed countries have better treatment for the mentally ill, because they view it as a community problem, where in America and even Canada, it's very much individualized. Sad.
I miss home tremendously, especially my close friends. I am really excited to see Ange, Sue and Morgan again next month. I am especially excited to hang out with Megan, and meet her new puppy. And next summer, I should be back for good hanging out at the Splash Pad with Ellen, Dani, Pavel, Megan and baby! Family is a value of mine, and am excited to be on the right track emotionally and professionally next summer (which is a huge difference than the last time I was living back home after graduation). I feel much stronger and confident.
I am really enjoying Christmas shopping for Pavel and Dani (I get such a thrill out of baby clothes shopping!)...trying to get Ellen's xmas package ready to send off, since it takes a few weeks to arrive in Prague. I love Christmas time, even though Lucas is a scrooge and has the marge mentality that it's all consumerism. Meh...whatever. I enjoy giving gifts to those I love!
Well, off to finish laundry (greeted by two dead roaches in the basement! Lovely!), clean this place up a bit and prepare to meet Lucas in the library (poor guy is so type A that he has been waking up 6:30 every morning to read, go to class, and work on his assignments until 8-9pm each night. Ahh, to be neurotic and so focused. He will be an excellent lawyer.

Iceage coming Iceage coming...

2009-11-02T20:05:00.000-08:00

I have charged my camera, so I promise to add some pictures of our new little cozy apartment. Do not expect luxury as we are planning a big move hopefully May/June so I can be a very supportive older sister/aunt, while awaiting school in the fall and finding a summer job in London, which should be much easier with my year experience (one would hope) and hopefully continue part time during school...maybe, depending on the course load. Lucas met with his adviser, and will be able to take online courses during the summer so he wouldn't have to stay in Raleigh. He is 90 percent sure he is going to apply for his MA at UWO, has very good references and a very good GPA (better than mine), so he should have good chances of getting in.
He has been a very positive influence in my life, and is helping me defeat my inner demons, and am actually budgeting and saving. We have some large expenses coming up (graduate school, xmas shopping, trip home), but with saving and a good budget, it won't be difficult to do all that I wish. We both rarely drink (last time it took us both over two days to recover...not worth it.) With age, such indulgences seem idiotic and a waste. I enjoy being sober...I do enjoy a casual drink or two, but the binge drinking is too much...been there, done that, moving on. I even get sick from being on a swing for too long, and my knees have begun to hurt during my walks with the kids at work...getting older is a terrifying thing! I used to love swings...I was so pissed at my parents when I came home from school one summer to see my swing gone, and plants hanging from the hooks instead. Now, a few swings and I am ready to hurl! Same goes with rides at fairs/amusement parks...and crowds. I hate crowds. Oh dear god, what am I becoming...

I am 25 in less than two weeks, and am quite unsure about this new era in my life. I am aware I have a few more years left of school, so I do not feel too old at the moment, but with Meg's news, I really am beginning to realize I am not 18 anymore, even if I feel the same. I wonder if that is how old people feel...still feeling like a teenager, but their body is 85 years old. It's tragic if that is the case...

Just watched Peter Jackson's brilliant film "Dead or Alive" with Lucas who shares a zombie fascination...it's absolutely hilarious and magical. Not sure many of you would understand it, but I love a good, cheesy zombie flick. Zombieland (the most recent) was a disappointment due to the lame, cliche plot of nerdy awkward boy lands hot girl. Can we please move on from this? Maybe a little originality?

Music I have been listening to: Since my computer crashed due to my punches (Lucas showed me a terrifying clip online, which made me punch my computer) I haven't been able to download any newbies. Lucas has gotten The Flaming Lips (very good), has been listening to Daft Punk pretty much every day, downloaded XX, and we both listened to Me and This Army Radiohead Remixes at The Raleigh Times last Friday, which is very interesting. My favorite would have to be their Creep featuring Fred from fitter, happier remix. I am making all you at home my favorite albums/singles little cd booklet as part of your christmas present, so some of what I mentioned will be on it. MAN MAN's free concert was phenominal and we got sit right beside the stage, got served pitchers from The Raleigh Times all night, and they put on a phenominal show. Unbelievable. Very very impressed. I am very much looking forward to Dan Auerbach's concert on my birthday...should be a lovely night, despite another year added (atleast renting cars will be cheaper!).

I will leave you with this very ridiculous clip Lucas showed me tonight. Enjoy:

I need to vent!

2009-10-29T10:28:00.001-07:00

The past few weeks...I can even say past month have been full of very exciting, nerve wrecking news. The good news is at home, and I cannot wait to be there for two weeks for Christmas. The nerve wrecking news is about my job, and the future of Dorothea Dix Hospital. Long term adult and acute adolescents (me) units are moving to butner, and we are halting on admissions November 5th. There is uncertainty everywhere of whom will go to Butner, and no positions are safe. Everyone is concerned...and the worst part is, the decision on whom will go to Butner is solely based on seniority. Yep...poor little me and my 9 month experience will more than likely get shafted, even though I know most of the kids at Cherry Building (long term kids- many of them went through my building first), and I have been the only Rec therapist working with kids. There are two people apparently who are not currently employed with the state, but are in the process of getting hired who have in the past worked for the state, and have more experience than I and would (apparently) have dibs on the p0sition at Cherry over myself...which is extremely saddening. I love working on this campus, and I love working with these kids. I love having the open space to go for walks and the large court yard to play many fitness games. I love the staff I work with, and am so concerned about what may happen within the next few months. And this has to take place during the holiday season, when people have vacations planned and are already stressed out about money...so add job security on to the list. I am almost wishing I went to Graduate School now...I don't want to drive 45 minutes everyday (with a car I don't have!) there and back...

I have signed up on ORPAS for graduate school for next year, and hopefully they will accept me again. I should write the people at Western an email to let them know I am applying again, and feel that this extra year of experience will help me as an Occupational Therapist in many areas (clinical, safety, communication, documentation etc.) that I would not have had if I went to school this year. I also have great references from school and here at the hospital (I have worked with the Occupational Therapy Assistant) and my supervisor and I have great rapport (Today I had my 9 month review and am now officially permanent)...so I am pretty confident I will be accepted again. But add that stressor to the mix, as well as getting Lucas into the country!! I have asked Patrick about how he went about applying to graduate school programs at York (and also got it paid), so hopefully he will supply me with useful knowledge. Otherwise, Lucas is ok to be in Canada with a passport for 6 months, and perhaps in the six months he can find a job, and apply for a job permit.
Grown up life is so stressful, and there are so many decisions to be made. Thinking optimistically, it is the uncertainty that makes this time of our lives so exciting. I don't blame people for saving money and travelling. It is an escape...vacations are a temporary relief from everyday stress. Benefits, health care, retirement are all real things we need to think about. I don't wish to be stressed...some stress is a good thing and allows you to be proactive and get things done. One day at a time...one day at a time.
My computer broke and HP thought it was just the hard drive so they sent me a new one...and it wasn't the case, so now I have to send the whole computer to HP for them to repair it. Hopefully I get a brand new one in return. I lost all my music and pictures...thank god that I had it under warranty!
Pay day tomorrow, but I agreed to work 11 hours tomorrow, and 8 Saturday which will end my 6 day work weeks finally. I am exhausted...Conduct Disorder/Oppositional Defiance Disorder are quite demanding to deal with while trying to maintain rules and boundaries! Lots of energy needed!
November will be a fun month...my birthday and thanksgiving (4 day weekend!)... thank god. And then 2 weeks in December, and I'll be on my way home for another 2 weeks! ... So envious of Angela who lets me know she's vacationing in Spain and working in London England as a substitute teacher (the kids are awful apparently!)... tisk tisk. Ah well, the fall here in Raleigh is beautiful, mid 70's so I shouldn't complain!
I think this is enough rambling, but I simply had to get all of that off my chest. Now to plan stress/anger management group for the kids...we will be playing an anger management board game.

Fashion Fantasies

2009-10-23T07:36:00.000-07:00

Wish List:

A solid pair of brown pumps (Aldo):

Colorful scarves for the cool weather (Topshop)

A perfect boyfriend blazer (H&M) I tried to purchase cheap/thrift blazers, but I think you must buy one good quality well fitted blazer that cinch in the waist

An interesting, warm sweater (TopShop) This one would look great over a simple AA long sleeved mini black dress

A colorful, floral long sleeved dress to be worn with black tights and blazer/sweater

I am a sucker for maryjanes, straps...this pair is beautiful and would look great with a pair of skinny jeans (Bebe)

I am in need of a dark pair of skinnys as my Mavis (bought in 2005) are getting a bit too small (sadly...) These look great (guess).

A perfect warm black sweater to be worn with a colorful mini dress/tights

A beautiful pair of platform booties (topshop)

A classic pair of closed toe (I don't have one pair of closed toe pumps) platforms:

This of course is just me fantasizing... if I were to buy all that I just posted, I would need 600-700 dollars...and that of course is simply out of the question!!!

...also to tempt me even more, Jimmy Choo for H&M! (Look for it October 29th)

Black Moth Super Rainbow and Carnys

2009-10-23T05:03:00.000-07:00

LOVE

...excited that the Alternative Music Festival is hitting downtown this weekend...FREE MAN MAN concert on the street of my favorite favorite bar The Raleigh Times (who is expanding and making the upstairs "The Evening Times"- hopefully an electronica/techno dance area. The Raleigh Times play amazing music (Caribou, Morrissey, Fleet Foxes, Animal Collective...u names it) so hoping the trend continues upstairs. I love it! And you get away from the douchey NC State frat/sorority crowd (the characters that yell profane comments that are usually obnoxious and/or offensive. When Lucas and I went to visit Kelly and Kate at Greensborough, these kind of characters screamed out 'If you were black, we would call you a Ni%&er!'...my jaw dropped! Unbelievable... they continued on to call us emo, or something of the sort. And it was completely unprovoked. We were walking on the sidewalk and they were on the balcony at their apartment...Kate and I thought later of our come back (they always seem to come 1 or 2 minutes too late haha) to be "Go listen to Nickleback!"...us with good music taste look down on those who listen to modern country and white trash rock.

Went to the NC Fair last night to mostly observe the people. We didn't go on any rides, or play any games...it was free with 4 cans, so it was very worthwhile. I could not believe how comfortably obese most people are. I would say a good 80 percent were definitely overweight/obese. Another delight I observed was this guy eating a hamburger while at the cow exhibit...how wonderfully ironic. Also was a little disappointed with the carny's attire- since when did they become so professional looking? They had matching collared shirts with visors! NOOOOOO!!!!

My new tattoo (photo done on my laptop with webcam, so that's why it doesn't look too sharp or clear...will get a better pic)

At the Fair representing...
My favorite carny...he was sweating profusely. Check out the new outfits...ready for the golf course :(
The Fair with Lucas!

Music this week

2009-10-20T06:14:00.000-07:00

I haven't been posting new music weekly as I once wished to do, so I will try to start it up again:

The Postmarks: She has a beautiful voice, and it's music you can listen to on a Sunday afternoon lounging around the house. The video below is appealing to me mostly because I love spending time on a lovely day in a pretty park walking around (Duke Gardens). Anyone who knows me knows that I am indeed a walker (I go for leisure walks every day, at work with the kids due to the therapeutic benefit for them, and at home with Lucas in the evenings). I think I picked this habit up from my parents who when we were young, would go for walks in the ravine or around the neighbourhood very often. I recall going for walks in the middle of winter in the ravine, which was especially interesting due to the wide vast of endless snow and brown trees with no civilization in site.

I heard The Postmarks' due a cover of Bob Marley's Three Little Birds, and it is beautiful. I am thinking of playing it after my fitness group for the kids to lie on their matts and relax (coping skills are often a major weakness with the kids).

Three Little Birds - The Postmarks

Another song that has been haunting me wherever I go is "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. I had 88.1 on while doing a group with the kids indoors, and the song came on which ended up in me dancing around the room cheerfully as the kids completed their task (they already think I am a weirdo). Also, when enjoying dinner at The Raleigh Times with Lucas earlier this month, this song came on again...very symbolic for my eagerness to come back home, which unfortunately isn't for another two months.

...I have yet to purchase their album but will perhaps stop by School Kids after work and pick it up. I am a torrent freak, but when I really enjoy a band, I try to buy their album because I like the sleeve that comes with most cd's, however I get REALLY pissed if when I do buy an album, they don't have an album sleeve with lyrics and the like... They need to encourage people to buy their albums by including lyrics, artwork...little extras I look forward to! Grrr...for example, when I bought Radiohead's In Rainbows (after having it already on my iTunes), I received all their lyrics, and two stickers (to make your own plastic cover), of which I used one on Lucas' car!

So that will do for this week. I forgot how many "little things" it takes to have a fully working apartment. We still don't have a microwave, but have been surviving with our only cookie sheet. Still need to get some plates/bowls etc. and definitely more drinking glasses. Also need a tv stand (currently using my dinky little Ikea side table as such!) and some 3m things to hang up our many posters. Lucas has to keep reminding me that we are only living at the apartment until we move back to Canada next summer/fall. I am wishing to go back as soon as possible however (meg). I have been looking into how Lucas can move to Canada with me and work, and it looks like his only option is to get a work permit in which he needs a job offer before hand. Kind of frustrating, but I guess we will have to see what we can do with that. I didn't even look at the cost of such permit...scared to see how much they are asking for it. Could become problematic, however hoping for the best at the moment. Need to apply for graduate school (again) in November/December so there goes a few hundred dollars (again)...sigh... I am glad I took this extra year to get some working experience, and continue my relationship with Lucas. Things did work out for the best.
There is a free Alternative Music Festival going on downtown Raleigh this weekend, with MAN MAN performing at The Raleigh Times. They are blocking off the street so it will be quite the celebration! We have friends coming in from Charlotte for the concert and are staying with us, so even more to look forward to. Just sucks that I have to work on Saturday. 6 day work weeks are no joke. I have to do this until November (sigh...). Well, that's all for now. Can't wait until I am on my road trip back home!

Future Thoughts and Wishes

2009-10-14T13:12:00.000-07:00

I have a new home!!! I love it, even though it is quite old (built in the 1940's) so there are some eerie noises that take place during the nights. It's not perfectly furnished at the moment, but with some time it will look fantastic. Wonderful hardwood flooring, and is very spacious. Perfect for a mid twenties couple! I do wish we could afford 112 Tucker, but alas I am in my first year of my career in working for the State as a Recreation Therapist (a profession that does not communicate wealth!), and Lucas is trucking along in his Senior Year majoring in Political Science at North Carolina State University. He was super busy the past few weeks stressing over a 22 page paper he had to write for his Environmental Law class, and yesterday he alerted me that he was the only one in the class to achieve an A+! He does work hard, even if I have to suffer through his stress periods that make both of us slightly on edge. It's difficult because I am no longer in school and my job is very laid back, so I do not have much work/school related stress in my life. I know this will change next year when I (hopefully) am in graduate school. I think it is best if Lucas takes a year off before pursuing Law School, so the plan is for him to work, and I go back to school so he can concentrate on his LSATs, get a good score and plan to begin school in fall 2011. It will be a while before we are both working together, but when that day comes, we should both be making fairly good money and able to lead a comfortable life without too much stress about money. I hate stressing about money...however I will look back to this time in my life where budgets were a necessity, clothing shopping a luxury and exotic vacations out of the question. Entering the working world without money from the parents has been a very educational experience. Even in school, you are handed money from the university, from loans, or from your parents. You may have a part time job, however you have other means of financial help. I pay all my bills, have my own apartment, am not in any kind of credit card debt (or any type of debt), am living in my means and it's not easy. Buying 200 dollar jeans seems ridiculous now, and completely out of the question. It's funny- I have a totally new perspective of things. I look at the college students strutting their stuff in their designer duds and expensive accessories...while they are paying thousands of dollars to attend university and have NO CLUE what being an entry professional means. Even doctors and lawyers who eventually will make good money will be in so much debt by the time of their graduation, 200 dollar jeans, Chanel purses,louboutins,etc. are not realistic! I think it's sad that it has taken me so long to realize how trivial these materialistic things are in life, and how money needs to be saved or spent on useful things. I do believe however, in making your home cozy and "you". I definitely value living space, which is going to be my main focus in making this vintage apartment comfy and welcoming.
I returned Tuesday night from the North Carolina Recreation Therapy Association conference located at Atlantic Beach, which was a delightful surprise. We stayed at my supervisor's friend's beach house which was located right on the sound at Emerald Isle. Had a good time with my co-workers, and feel very lucky to work with such wonderful people. Also met up with my old internship supervisor Deanna and my fellow intern Ashley, which was nice. I unfortunately have to work the next 3 Saturdays to save some comp time for xmas break and to take some time off when Dad visits. Not complaining- I am thankful I get the opportunity to get more paid vacation time since I only get 2 weeks off/year without comp time.
Lucas and I are still anticipating moving to Canada as he would like to banish his US citizenship and become Canadian. I am not sure if that would be the best move, as having another citizenship can be useful. Probably going to seek other ways to do this- definitely needs to do something before he goes to Law School so he doesn't have to pay the International rate, which is over twice the amount! He is thinking London would be best since I have the family there and support, but I am still open to UBC. I think Lucas will get a better understanding after our xmas visit, since he will be able to see first hand how bland London Ontario is. He hates being around his hometown (Garner NC, just outside of Raleigh), and I feel the same about my own...but who knows. It would be nice to be with family and my best friends again, however.
I am looking forward to November (my birthday!), thanksgiving, Black Friday, Xmas shopping and anticipating driving back home mid December (will let you know the exact date when I find out when Lucas' last exam is). He is getting his passport pictures taken today, so he should have his passport ready to go by December.

Hope all is well with everybody! Will take pictures of the new place as soon as I can.

News

2009-10-05T18:40:00.000-07:00

I have applied to live at the St. Mary's Apartment located at the corner of Hillsborough/St. Mary's, located right beside the private historic all girls school which is beautiful. It's only 1 mile from my work, and 1 mile from NC State, so very convenient for both Lucas and I. I am hoping to move in this Friday, once they approve my application...which shouldn't be a problem since I work for the State. Once I get it all nicely decorated, I will post more pictures. Needing to budget this month due the expense it cost to move in and such...but hopefully November will be dedicated to aesthetic.

Also, if you haven't heard of Neko Case, she has a gorgeous voice and I have fallen in love with her song Margaret vs. Pauline- Parents: I know you will love her!!! Perfect for a sunday evening...

...also, I got a tattoo...a very small one on the back of my neck of the weeping minotaur (radiohead). My love for them runs deep, beginning in elementary school and has influenced my life greatly. I have spent many sad and happy moments listening to them, and nothing in my life can compare to the love I have for that band. I also like Stanley Donwood's minotaur and the meaning behind it. Weeping due to being trapped in an abyss that he cannot escape.

Reflections and Aspirations

2009-09-30T06:47:00.000-07:00

Hey all!

I am back to my usual bubbly self, and am really excited about the month of October...only 6 weeks until my 25th birthday, Dad's visit, and American Thanksgiving. This month Kate's wedding is taking place, a good concert this Friday (Wavves and the Ganglians), lots of good movies (Where the wild things are, Capitalism, a love story to name a few), cooler weather, Halloween (on a Saturday!), moving out of the current apartment (thank god) and moving closer to work into a historic apartment right beside St. Mary's School for girls, and get to decorate it the way I want it to...plus a visit to Ikea must be made!!! Tres excitant...just no money to be spent on clothes/magazines/restaurants. Lucas has been good in stopping my notorious spoiled brat behavior (hint: when I cry and whine if I don't get what I want)...my charm has run out and he says no to soda, and cookies (he made me promise him that I wouldn't get cookies at Subway yesterday). I think it's good for me...I am indulgent and I really want to lose some weight, so he has quit fast food, which makes it much more difficult for me to eat that terrible junk anyways. On the right track. Thank you Lucas, and sorry for being a spoiled entitled little brat lately (family members- I know you can all attest to this side of me...for instance, I once almost cried when my mother brought home fat free havarti cheese rather than creamy havarti cheese). Funny to look back on, but terribly embarrassing.
We have said no to the 900/month 2 bedroom historical apartment due to Lucas being a student on a budget, and my desire to save some money, so we are hoping for this 625/month 800 sq/ft one bedroom with hardwood floors. It's not the most beautiful of places, but with some creativity and interesting decor, it will be quite lovely. I wish it had higher ceilings, but ah well. The building is really old, and it has a very vintage feel to it. I would prefer 112 Tucker Street apartments, but they run at 900/month not including electric. We could do it, but it would be difficult for Lucas who has a set amount of money to live on until graduation. Plus, plenty of time to live luxuriously. We are young, and need to budget/save!!! Live within our means!!! I miss my old apartment with Marie, however. That place was so inviting and lovely.

Karen O's solo album for (ex-boyfriend) Spike Jonze' Where the wild things are is pretty good! I am not too fond of her single All is Love (more kids singing than her!), but there are some other great tracks to listen to. I cannot find the track names at the moment, but I will get back to you on that one. It is a great album for children as well as Yeah Yeah Yeahs fans. I could see my old man playing this cd to us if we were children when the album came out. Monsters of Folk proved to be a great album...really enjoy all the musicians in the band, where as Lucas doesn't think too fondly of (sometimes pretentious) Conor Oberst and M.Ward (his album does sound similar to Jack Johnson, which is quite unfortunate). However, they came together well on this album, and am quite happy with it!

So october will be a month of some change and improvements, budgets and no new clothes/luxury. Lucas is extremely stressed out with school/family issues, so I must refrain from burdening him with my often silly woes. Ah, the joys of relationships!! They aren't always easy, but they teach us to grow, mature and improve ourselves, which can often be a tough lesson. I did enjoy being single because my weaknesses weren't exposed, I could get away with being selfish and careless with no responsibility and accountability. It's an easy way out, which I think my brothers have clinged on to. The pay off of a healthy, loving relationship overcomes any benefits of a life of solitude.

Oryx and Crake and today

2009-09-29T11:13:00.000-07:00

It's a beautiful fall day...sun shining, rays entering my office with such warmth. Even with such beauty, I am trapped with so much doubt and contempt.

"He doesn't know which is worse, a past he can't regain or a present that will destroy him if he looks at it too clearly. Then there's the future. Sheer vertigo." - Margaret Atwood's "Oryx and Crake"

Yes mother, finally reading it after your many requests, and I do love it. I am half way- looking forward to reading her most recent novel too that you suggested.

Sadness

2009-09-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

I must remain
I must contain
Continue this flat affect
and go un-noticed

Don't look at my swollen eyes
or my blank expression.
I will smile back and ask about your weekend
painful and completely necessary

I cannot cry, and I cannot give in
to this sickness
a demon tugging and growling
Reaching any way it can to take control.

This sadness I feel
from words that were said
I cannot deny
and I cannot pretend.

They take root and they take shape
I believe in what you said
because it is "reality", not "harsh words".
It is I with the sickness.

I have felt happiness before,
but this feeling is sweeping over me
a dark, thick blanket covering my face
difficult to breath, difficult to see

Demand immediate gratification
as if that ever works...
I wish for peace of mind
and to have the shackles of misery unleashed.

I want to believe in myself again
confident, free, desired
Not this emotionally wretched troubled girl.
that you only seem to see.

Monsters of Folk

2009-09-26T08:13:00.000-07:00

I am filled with excitement and happiness! Lucas' friend Justin is really into indie music, has hundreds of records and cd's (an amazing library), and is really informative of new bands to look out for. He let us know about Monsters of Folk, which consists of Jim James (yes!), Conor Oberst, M.Ward, and Mike Mogis. I listened to a few songs today, and I cannot wait to hear the entire album. I am getting it right at this moment, and I think you should too. Yay!!

A m a z i n g

2009-09-19T20:13:00.001-07:00

thank you thommy and johnny!

I am in Greensborough NC this weekend staying with a friend of Lucas' whom he went to school with at Appalachian State, and his gf (also named Kate) is a fabulous artist, and who drew these two wonderful pieces, which are seen below...also pictures of the wedding we went to, and others... currently playing rockband, and am increasingly becoming annoyed with Lucas' terrible singing on some of these tracks (orange crush by REM being one of them...god damn it).

Lucas posing in front of the projection screen, so happy to be with the Venture Brothers
With Kate and Kelly's kitten...so sweet and I want one. Chippy Chip!

Kate's drawing of Rusty Venture (brilliant)
Kate's drawing of Mr. Thom Yorke

Timber Timbre

2009-09-18T06:02:00.000-07:00

Woke up with a very irritable mood. This helped:

The Age of Stupid

2009-09-17T06:04:00.000-07:00

A film that will be showing in 45+ countries, in which Thom Yorke is promoting talks about whether or not our future generations will call our time "The Age of Stupid" when discussing global warming. I have had many conversations about global warming, especially with it's critics (who most happen to be conservatives, obviously) claiming it is simply a ploy to make more money. My point is, say perhaps global warming is not really happening, why is it so terrible to be more responsible and gracious to the earth in which we live on? Why is it so terrible to consume less fossil fuels, to not pollute as much, to recycle and reuse? I don't get their attitude about it- it's a powerful denial and immature reaction to not wishing to change their damaging ways, especially since America is responsible for so much waste in comparison to other countries. Icky... anyways, here is the trailer for the film:

The Age of Stupid Global Premiere Trailer from Age of Stupid on Vimeo.

Thankfully it is showing in Raleigh at one movie theater, so I am going to try to make it out there.

Dirty Projectors

2009-09-16T19:39:00.000-07:00

I talked to my dear father tonight and told him about Dirty Projectors, which is becoming one of my favorite bands that have arrived in my life this year. Here is one of their songs that I have taken a fancy to:

Their album "Bitte Orca" is very impressive, with many outstanding tracks. They are based out of Brooklyn, and have a good mix of women and men within the group, which adds to some diversity in their music. Interesting enough, Davin Bryne (from the Talking Heads) joined the Dirty Projectors for a song for the compilation album "Dark was the night" which I have previously posted about. They have also collaborated with Bjork, so are very highly respected in the indie music scene. Apparently they are releasing their next E.P. in September, so I guess we just have to wait for that to pop up in the interweb.

Lucas is very fond of David Bryne and the Talking Heads have grown on me as of late. I am curious, though,what do you Ge-off think of the Talking Heads? They were definately before my time, and have been labeled as influences for many bands that I love dearly today such as Radiohead, White Lies, Kate Bush (who I grew up listening to), Clap your hands and say yeah and many many others! They were definitely ahead of their time, and paved the road for many future artists. Just curious on what you all think of them. I listend to Noah and the Whale, and I do love it!! Very relaxing and soothing. :)

Muse

2009-09-15T06:43:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, I put Lucas through a few hours of torture Sunday evening and watched the MTV Music Video Awards, which were god awful, but I just wanted to see Muse perform which was very impressive, even though I am not too fond of their new album. Some of their songs are growing on me, especially Uprising:

I really really like the first 30 seconds of the song. Another one I like is Exogenesis: Symphony Part 1 (Overture):

I listened to that song at the end of my 3 mile run at the lake, with the sun setting reflecting against the peaceful lake- a great way to end a run full of hills!!

Lucas bought me tickets to see Dan Auerbach with Jessica Lea Mayfield opening which is occuring November 14th, which happens to be my birthday. Such a happy surprise! I had a rough weekend full of wild emotions, but I have returned back to normal which is nice. I hate how I have these wild spells of sadness which creep out of no where. I don't really understand it. Wild hormones!!!

I am off to attend a meeting, then it's lunch time! While others refuse to grow up and get a steady job, here I am being responsible and having lunch time to look forward to. Jesus. Conformity rocks!

So, here is a picture of my walk through Johnson Lake (where I go running)...it was a beautiful day in the mid 80's and enjoyed the peaceful scenery. I am looking forward to 70 degree weather which is typical for late Fall here in NC- still feeling like summer.

And call Lucas' phone to talk to me, because it's free on his phone and not on mine. Email me if you need his number. Miss you!

Modern Day Lullabies

2009-09-12T22:10:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to When the Night Comes by Dad Auerbach followed by Hold me Close by Jessica Lea Mayfield who will be opening for Auerbach on my birthday!!!!

...perfect for the current mood.

Bluish

2009-09-12T21:22:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite songs that I have discovered this year is Bluish by Animal Collective:

I’m getting lost in your curls
I’m drawing pictures on your skin
So soft it twirls
I like your looks when you get mean
I know I shouldn’t say so but when you
Claw me like a cat, I’m beaming
I like the way you squeeze my hand
Pulling me into another dream
A lucid dream
I’m getting lost in your curls
I’m getting crushed out on the things
that only I should see
Not for boys, they’re just for me

Hurry to talk, from far away
I can see you, you curl your fists and you pull your hair
When we’re alone, I wanna say
Let’s just stay in, no one’s here in our apartment babe

(Put on the dress that I like)
It makes me so crazy, though I can’t say why
(Keep on your stockings for a while)
Some kind of magic in the way you’re lying there

I’m getting lost in your curls
I’m getting rushed back on a whim
Our breaths get wind
Back to the time when we were green
I know we have changed
But I still grin cause I can’t wait to see you
Back to the time I touched your hair
When I was so scared to look that mean
I think it’s weird
I’m getting lost in your curls
I’m getting crushed out on the things
That only I should see
They’re not for boys, they’re just for me

Girl, you can talk from far away
It’s so hard for me
Only to get the urge to kiss you there
When we’re alone, I wanna say
Let’s just stay in, no one’s here in our apartment babe

(Put on the dress that I like)
It makes me so crazy, though I can’t say why
(Keep on your stockings for a while)
Some kind of magic in the way you’re lying there
(repeat)

Blue eye shadow
It’s not exactly blue though
And I refuse to call it anything but I’m your blue

I think it's so unconventionally romantic...it makes me smile (which is definitely something I could use at the moment!)

I have had a rough week/day being sick, feeling rather low and not myself. I get into these funks every now and again, and will hopefully pass over sooner than later. The mood cycle. I need more oxytocin. I can't sit on the couch and watch movie after movie- I hate watching television for more than 2 hours a day. I absolutely hate it. I would much rather go for a walk, go out, socialize...anything!
I feel so restless and anxious. There seems to be no end to these negative feelings I seem to experience from time to time. Ah well.

Off to bed... listening to Jessica Lea Mayfield because she helps ease my troubled soul.

September 10th 2008

2009-09-10T20:17:00.001-07:00

(I love doing this)
This time last year:

I have an addictive personality, and have recently become obsessed with this election, which is driving me bonkers. I am going to give it a rest- All I can say is I will NEVER give up my Canadian citizenship, even if I plan on not living in Canada. I will NEVER become American...even if I marry an American.

I am not patriotic, but times like these when you are surrounded by crazy war loving/gun collecting right wing fascists...it's nice to know you can go home to a place like London Ontario, even if it is also home to many many carnies.

God Bless America. They need it. Obama '08! (Ok- that's all for politics)

Beautiful Bjork!

2009-09-10T19:23:00.000-07:00

I know it has been out for a while now, but I just recently discovered Bjork Voltaic remixes. Of the ones on the album, these happened to by my favorite:

Ratatat is a personal favorite, so this was the ultimate treat!

Enjoy!

I am no longer ill and happened to suffer just from a short term head cold type virus rather than the dreaded H1N1, which a Dr. in my building contracted last week and has been since out of commission. Back to reality for me as I came back to work after a long weekend + 2 sick days. I feel that I am much more productive during a work day for some reason. I clean more, I exercise more...Also have been drinking lots of natural iced green tea which has a good amount of caffeine which may have contributed to the increased work ethic. I have to work Saturday, so a short weekend ahead. Lucas and I are going to his friend's wedding next weekend (Christian Dry wedding, in a CHURCH, so we will obviously not be staying long!). We had a pretty wild weekend in Charlotte, so we will be taking it easy for the rest of the month as we get back into our running routine, and my goal to eat/drink better continues. I rarely drink soda now, but have still been guilty with my food choices. I got my blood pressure measured yesterday and it was a wonderful 112/70! So happy with that, however I do realize I have to cut saturated fats (thanking god that I do not enjoy red meat or bacon), sweets (very difficult) and fried foods (god help me!). I had a healthy dinner including a Genoa sub with spinach leaves and onions and balsamic vinaigrette...an improvement! Let's hope I can keep it up. I need to get into a good habit as I realized I am 25 this year, hoping to be pregnant within the next 5 years or so, and high blood pressure can be really dangerous while pregnant... so might as well get into good habits now so I won't have to worry as much later on. See parents, you may be frustrated with us when we are in our immature, irresponsible adolescent stage, but we do grow up eventually and you did instill some healthy values in us that we are grateful for, so good work!
I am a wee bit tired having ran the usual 5k tonight (those hills are killer). Lucas runs with me, and his legs have toned up like crazy since we started dating...lucky bugger builds muscle really easily.
Hope all is well!!!
K

Some time to relax

2009-09-06T13:35:00.000-07:00

Currently relaxing on an air mattress that I have been sleeping on for the past couple of nights while spending my long weekend in Charlotte. Since Lucas and I came to Charlotte to visit his dearest friends, I thought it would be appropriate to give them some dork time so they can watch their movie previews for movies like Avatar, watch Space Jam (I actually walked in on Lucas, Brian and his friend Justin watching that movie...speechless), and play wii. While I give them their time, I lie here on this very uncomfortable air mattress downloading music and visiting websites like pitchfork and others. I have had Jessica Lea Mayfield's single on my computer for quite some time now- probably for 5-6 months now. What I did not have however was her entire album "With Blasphemy so Heart Felt" so I downloaded the torrent. Oh my god- the album is spectacular. So relatable, so delightfully melancholy and enchanting. You must get the album now! If now, just wait until Christmas time because I will be giving my family (depending on who it is) a cd booklet of all the best albums (in my opinion) of 2009. Jessica Lea Mayfield definitely makes the cut. I especially relate to the song "I'm not lonely anymore" as sappy and pathetic as that may sound. Just listen to the song, and it is so brutally honest, feminine and loving. It brings me to smiles and makes me feel so grateful that I have Lucas in my life. It's rather odd how he happened and what bazaar timing it was...pretty much right after my trip home for Megan's wedding. I also downloaded some other albums that I either have lost the cd of, or was on my old computer.

Some good news from Radiohead- they will be releasing two new songs on vinyl that we can buy, or wait until the digital download released beginning of October. So now I have a new season of Dexter, the new season of The Simpsons AND new Radiohead coming at me all in the next month!! Also, Jessica lea Mayfield is opening for Dan Auerbach on November 14th at the Cats Cradle which is my 25th birthday that lands on a Saturday!!! Fabulous.

So I really enjoy my new hair color. I don't think I will be returning to the blonde which I have been sporting for some time now. I like this honey brown with subtle blonde highlights...much more natural and easily maintained and fits my coloring better.

Charlotte is a very pretty city. It is like Raleigh in the way that the city is more of an urban sprawl rather than centralized, but still a very nice downtown. Nothing comparable to Toronto or Chicago however. They are trying to be progressive, and progress is slow but at least they are putting forth an effort. I got to visit the only IKEA here in NC which is located here in Charlotte, and purchased a wonderful pillow (desperate as Lucas' friends did not have any and I had to sleep on my clothes the first night here) and duvet cover for our room, which I am pleased with. No point buying new furniture (we desperately need a new desk/dresser) because of the prospect of moving next summer.

Last night we and a bunch of friends went to this delightful little spot called The Common Market and it was wonderful! It's a restaurant and a convenience store selling candies, magnets, vintage toys, wine and a huge selection of beer. You buy the alcohol as you would in any other store, but you drink the convenience store price alcohol there! They have a patio outside with tables, and it's like a regular bar with live music. When you need another bottle of wine, or more beer, you head inside to the beer/wine aisle and simply buy more! It's genius, and cheap! Instead of paying 4 dollars for one imported beer, I paid 7 for a six pack. I will post some pictures to give you an idea of this place:

It's very difficult for Lucas to be serious in front of a camera, as observed. You can see in the background where the fridges are that hold all the beer, and wine to the right. They even had Boddingtons!

Where you purchase your drinking delights (look, there's a hipster!):
Lucas drinking his pinot noir!

The only pitfall of this establishment is the attraction of hipsters. Pretentious pretentious pretentious! Augh...but we made fun of many of them, so all was well. They deserve it. We went to Lucas' favorite bar "The Sanctuary" which was also very nice as they know Lucas' friends very well and my tab ended up being 5 dollars in spite of my vodka/cranberry/redbull drinks (I had about three) and one Malibu/cranberry/pineapple juice drink. Very pleased! We went to an amazing diner Ellen would LOVE called The Penguin. Their chicken fingers were to die for! Also very good prices for excellent diner food that are made on site. This city is definitely better than Raleigh, I hate to say it. Brian (Lucas' friend who we are staying with at the moment) lives in an interesting neighbourhood. It's historic, but just one street over are newly renovated beautiful houses and Brian lives in the more shady area. Flipping is very popular, and I see the desire due to the character these old houses have. When renovated, the houses are so beautiful with their large porches and large trees all along the street. It would be perfect for a newly wedded couple. I would love to be able to live in a house like that! I'll try to take some pictures of them.

Megan: I love the house, it is adorable and perfect for you and Joe. I can't wait to see it myself! I love the living room area, so warm and inviting.

I will leave you with another picture of my new hair, and a dress I bought that I am in love with due to the pockets and how comfortable it is. I love the high waist (good for my body type due to large hips/butt) and the design of the skirt (hard to see the detail in the picture).

Brunette

2009-09-04T12:41:00.000-07:00

...well... I have returned to my roots and have gone close to my natural color (not as mousy however). I feel pretty good about being natural and maybe people will take me a little more seriously (doubtful). Anyways, I hope you like it! With the fall coming, and the less humid, less summery weather arriving, I thought it would be a nice change.

I have been exposed to the Swine Flu here at work, so I had to go to health services and got medicine to prevent the virus. I have to take one pill each day for 10 days. Exercise and alcohol may worsen side effects-AWESOME!!

I do feel a little off at the moment, but I am hoping that it is just due to all the sanitation fumes that are circulating in this building. I have quite an eventful weekend to come, so no room for illness! I will be taking a plentiful of pictures so I will be sure to post some good ones of Charlotte, NC. October weather probably is the best here in NC, so you should plan a visit.

Hope everyone has an enjoyable labor day weekend!

New Tunes

2009-09-02T10:01:00.000-07:00

New songs I have enjoyed as of late:

The Doves- Kingdom of Rust

Summer Day-Coconut Records (Shocking that it's actor Jason Schwartzman's band!)

The Robot Ate Me- On Vacation

So excited for the long weekend!!!

Women vs. Men and Marriage.

2009-08-27T22:14:00.000-07:00

Being a women is a very fascinating thing. You might say, wow Kate, what an insightful thought! I was just thinking of the differences between women and men health wise today, and how truly unfair it is to be a woman.

1. Birth Control: Still waiting for a pill to be administered to men. Even if they come up with one, men are notoriously not responsible when it comes to birth control so of course, since we are the ones who carry the fetus, we must continue to take drugs if we are engaging in sex before marriage. Taking these drugs can be harmful, especially the older you get. It can also hurt your fertility, cause acne (happened to me this year), and other delightful symptoms. It's frustrating that we are the ones to inject ourselves with these chemicals, when men do not have to.

2. HPV- In case you do not know, HPV is the most prevalent STD (if you can call it that). It is a virus that apparently affects most people who have unprotected sex. The problem with this virus is it doesn't have many symptoms, ESPECIALLY in men. Men cannot get tested for it, but can pass it on. There are over 100 types of HPV and can cause cervical cancer (#2 for cancer in women) and genital warts. Anal and penile cancer have been reported for men, however the statistics are ridiculously low, especially in comparison to cervical cancer. SO, men don't even know they have it most of the time pass it on to their unsuspecting partners, who may end up with cervical cancer. Gardisil is a new drug to help protect young women from certain strains of HPV. They are trying to push for the administration of this drug to young girls at the early age 12 even. I was pushed to get this drug when I went to the doctor. The doctor was adament that I should get it. I also noticed Gardisil posters and other nick nacks all over the doctor's office. I should have figured- the doctors get money for pushing certain drugs. I trusted my doctor, and got my second shot today. I remember my best friend Susana talking negatively about the drug (she's getting her phD in nursing), so I looked up Gardisil controversies. I found out that the drug has not been tested or proved to actually stop cervical cancer, and some girls have actually died from getting the shot! Um, great!

3. I am not going to bring up child bearing because I am very thankful I will get to experience that hopefully in the next few years or so, but it does suck however our bodies go through insane changes, which include hormone imbalances. Men on the other hand can go through a pregnancy not dealing with hormone imbalances, swollen breasts and weight gain.

4. Men age better than women. Another truth, which is so incredibly unfair. I have seen some mighty fine 40-50 year old men, but seeing that in a plastic surgery free woman is not as common. I am glad my mom looks pretty decent for her age however, especially body wise...thank god. I would hate to have an obese mother and have that to look forward to!

5. Cellulite. I absolutely hate cellulite, but our male counterparts do not have to deal with such unattractive, gross feature.

At least (most of us) do not have to worry about baldness. I guess we have that going for us, right ladies?

Women apparently do live longer, but the statistics are from the generation which produced very hard working men and housewives.

I am not a feminist, Ok. I would just like to point out the frustrations I have currently having in regard to my body vs. men at this point in my life.

On a complete other note, I was thinking about weddings and my desire to not have a conventional one. As I have stated on numerous occasions, I did not see marriage as something that would work for me. I still have my anxieties surrounding a life long commitment, however after being with Lucas, I realize that there quite possibly could be close to perfect matches out there that could survive 5 or 6 decades. I am not opposed to the idea of marriage completely- still am a little bit, but becoming a little optimistic in the idea of a lifelong partnership.

I would not have a conventional wedding, however. I would like to have it in a remote forest of some kind, in the fall and have the Fleet Foxes perform as I walked down a dirt path. HA! Well, that would be quite lovely...but these pictures I found are pretty inspiring:

I love how natural and simple this wedding picture is- not forced or posed. The greenery is beautiful, especially in contrast to the white dress, and I love how the groom is dressed. I don't think I can do the whole tuxedo thing...and I would love to walk barefoot not minding the dirt on my toes. Well, who knows...just fantastical thoughts!

With all the luck you've had, why are your songs so sad?

2009-08-27T10:30:00.000-07:00

Listening to In Rainbows in my office at the moment (quite fitting for today's depressed mood), and Nude has just come on.
This album came out October of 2007, and I remember listening to the album front to back on the bus for my away games during college soccer. Nude was my immediate favorite on the album, but as time went on and the more listens I gave the album, my favorite changed. However, I will always have a soft spot for Nude.

When listening to the song in my office, I had a very vivid picture in my head of myself sitting on the bus, window side, leaning my head onto the window with a blanket around (a/c was too much) after a tough game in the extreme heat. That season was incredibly stressful with the arrival of our new coach, who's tactics I completely disagreed with and created havok and stress that we all had to deal with. I just remember putting this cd on after a presumingly terrible and frustrating game, zoning out resting my head watching the sun set to darkness.

Our memory is a funny thing. Smells and sounds can bring back such vivid imagery of times past. When I was bartending, whenever I served or even smelt Beefeater and tonic, an image of going to my Nanna and Grandad's bedroom (where they kept the liquor), watching my nanna pour her gin into her glass. There was always a red plastic glass protector thing around the gin, and she would only get Beefeater. This is a memory that really is of no significance...just something I observed a few times. It wasn't a First, or something that impacted my life but I remembered it because of the smell that memory produced.

I have been a little off today- don't we all have those days? I continue to wonder what I should be doing right now, feeling anxious and restless. I feel like I can never be completely satisfied. My complaint prior to Lucas was the inability of meeting anyone I have something in common with, or just men being disappointing and not what I wanted. Well, I found someone who carries all the qualities I wanted in a man. He his hilarious, childish but very mature when necessary, same musical taste, same political and religious beliefs (we disagree on the treatment of substance abuse and depressive victims, however), I can laugh and laugh and he is ridiculously supportive of me. I can count on him for anything- it's a very foreign thing for me to have, and I am not sure if I am 100% comfortable with this kind of love. I am frightened that I will screw it all up, and I fear that I am more comfortable with dysfunction. Obviously something I need to work through, and Lucas is more than aware of my anxieties and worries. He is unbelievable...I always ask him why he is so good to me, because I really don't feel like I am deserving. Ah well- I am going to try really hard to make this work. The transitions and progressions I have made since Adam is really shocking. I look back, and wonder why the hell I stayed with Adam for as long as I did, with no offense to him. He is obviously a great man, and will make someone very happy but we had nothing in common. Lucas and I have SO many shared interests and everything is so much more enjoyable when you have someone to experience things with, and laugh with. I love him.

I hope I feel better- perhaps Group with the kids will help my mood...hopefully group goes well, unlike yesterday. Must become more educated on gang related things!

Looking really forward to Labor Day weekend as Lucas and I are heading to Charlotte for his birthday to stay with his friend. Charlotte is a lot bigger than Raleigh, and more of a 'capital city' than Raleigh is. They have American Apparel and Ikea (yeah, NC is realllllly behind) and I think a Zara... Getting my hair done next Wednesday for a darker look. Not as dark as I have gone in the past, but more brown than blonde. Preparing for the fall, and with my longer hair, I think it will look good, and more grown up.

My good friend from school Kate is getting married on the Saturday of Canadian Thanksgiving, so I will not be able to come home for that weekend. Lucas and I are now thinking during December when he is off school so we can actually have time to see more...London, Toronto, Ottawa and Montreal. Looking forward to it! Until then, how about you all plan a trip here this fall!

Miss you all, Love you all.
K