Cheer up, the worst is yet to come!

The past weekend was blissful. I got to enjoy a very impressive array of fireworks at Koka Boothe Amphitheatre in Cary, NC. It was mighty busy, but we managed to find a nice little nook where we lied our blanket and read comic books until the fireworks began. I read a comic about the Pope being a superhero during the apocalypse. Jesus is portrayed as a stoner hippy who is constantly out of it. The pope is a very sinful man, often engaging in fornication with beautiful women and smoking cigars soon after. It is a hilarious parody of the Christian Religion. I went with Lucas and we both shared our criticisms of the USA (he's almost more critical of the country than I am).
I am currently listening to 88.1 on the radio and the song they are playing is absolutely the worst, most annoying piece of shit I have ever heard. Prime by Marnie Stern. I had to share that due to my increased annoyance!
I got over many of the issues that were bothering me, and have learned to relax and just let things happen instead of sabotage and pessimism. I need to live day by day and not worry about things of the future. I feel so much better, much lighter, much nicer and positive. Unfortunately it is only Tuesday, and I still have 3 other work days before I get to enjoy another weekend. Ah well...it's a beautiful day out today and I am going swimming in the afternoon for training staff. I have treatment team in half an hour, so I am sure the day will fly by.
All Points West has a very impressive line up and I really would like to attend. MGMT, FLeet Foxes, Crystal Castle, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Ghostland Observatory, Vampire Weekend are all there! And I have never been to NYC, and the drive up there would be scenic as we would pass Washington DC. It's just a very expensive trip...if we had somewhere to stay there instead of a hotel, it would be more realistic. 200 dollars for the festival alone, 120 each for a car rental, and 150 each for hotel...yeah a little pricey!!! :( Perhaps not in the cards. Since I am staying here for another year or so, I am going to look to plan a nice little trip somewhere I have never been to before. San Fransisco, Seattle, NYC are top on the list of cities to visit. I wouldn't mind checking out Atlanta either.
Lucas let me know of some great bands I need to get torrents for.
New torrents for:
Grizzly Bear
Pheonix
Vampire Weekend

There were more but I forgots.

So everything is peachy in my life again and I will try not to get so negative, bratty and poopy.

oh no.

I have been very proud to be independent and self sufficient. I had great happiness and a sense of accomplishment to be able to move to a city, find a good job and apartment and "make it".

Today something snapped. I felt different. I cried for no apparent reason. I felt very lost.

I am not feeling lonely. If it were only this simple, I would be able to easily understand this new feeling of confusion. Having someone around does not make the anxiety disappear. People cannot influence my current internal struggle.

I am so frustrated and angry at myself for the continuation of stupid self destructive habits. I have told myself to eat better and lose weight, yet I continue to make the same stupid errors, and have no one else to blame but myself. I hate weighing this much. I should be 120 lbs. It really really bothers me, and I hate complaining without doing anything about it.
I need to budget better, and hate the little salary I have. I feel the need to bartend on the side, which is ridiculous having a career. I know more money will not equal happiness, but it does make things a little less stressful. I am frustrated that I cannot support the lifestyle I wish to lead. I am willing to do more school to help with this issue, but that equals two more years of being poor. I am a little spoiled and entitled, it's true. Ellen calls me superficial and materialistic. These are not favorable terms.
I have come to the realization lately that I am not a very good person. I have been very selfish and entitled lately. I have used people for my own benefit without a thought about their feelings. I do not feel good about this. I have been rude and actually quite mean to someone who has only been very thoughtful to me. I am disrespectful and need a good kick in the ass.
I have not felt very motivated lately, and feel as though I am going through the motions. I cannot stand it.
I haven't had a low day like this in a while...I don't know what came over me. I messed up today saying something outloud I shouldn't have infront of Marie and Rodrigo about L, which really upset him so he left. Marie then gave me a good lecture asking me why I hang out with L when I am so mean to him all the time. She pointed out that I am ALWAYS mean to him...basically saying I am an aweful person. I think I have learned NOT to vent to her about things, since it always gets thrown back in my face. It was a good wake up call (I guess) and it made me think about my actions and why I do certain things.

I do not understand why I have such anxiety and negative thoughts when it comes to relationships, marriage and children. I think I want them, but I am unsure. I am so absolutely terrified of divorce, unhappiness, failure, inability to be a good, nurturing mother. I am unsure if I can even be with a man for 20 plus years. I am worried that my value system is out of wack, and how I am concerned with money and a comfortable lifestyle. I think I might have a minor anxiety problem actually because I don't know if this behavior and thought process is normal.

Things that worry me:

I get nauseated when I see engagement photos. I find them mostly to be staged, grotesque and so self indulgent. Why am I so negative about something so positive?

Seeing young couples in the supermarket buying food together, talking about what they should eat that week creates very negative feelings within. I fear predictability and routine, which is what life is all about really.

When I see people on facebook get engaged or married, I automatically think that half of them will be divorced. SO NEGATIVE! But with Megan, I have no doubt that she will make it with Joe.




I think I should begin seeing a psychologist. This blogging out issues does not seem to be providing me clarity as it has done in the past.

:(

Sigh...

You wish I was a heatless being
to give you explanation and reason.
I simply abstain from emotional connection.
No reason for this...
Defense mechanism, maturity, growth, independence.
Answers I cannot give.
I am sorry if I erupted any pain in your life
and did not give you what you needed.
I am in a very different place in my life.
Selfish...
perhaps.
I am not looking to help others through their struggles.
I am focused on me and my life.
I cannot be distracted, and I have no patience for you.
The romantic side of me has vanished.
I do not need love from a man.
I need love from friends and family. They are who I value.
My distance and lack of nurturing behavior worries me, it's true.
I remember when I was the loyal and dedicated woman.
I lost that side of me; I gave it all and was left heartbroken.
I have grown and learned, and am so thankful for this.
Strength.
I wait and see if "true love" is real, as cynical as I am.
I have only been truly 100 percent in love once...but I was young and naiive.
I fucking hate relationships.

School vs. career

Walked around NC State
Entered their grand library
Excitement and anticipation filled my veins...
There is something so free about being in university!

Once you enter the real world,
and the realities become in plain view
it is a little bit depressing to know people do this routine for 30 years or so.
When you are a student,
the possibilities are endless with so much excitement.
So much promise
and opportunities.

Dark was the night

Along with the previous post, these are the most standout tracks (I think) from Dark was the Night...an album full of amazing artists created to raise money for AIDES and it came out February 2009. Enjoy my friends:

The Service Bell

Lovely.

Why...and how?

I feel the older I get, the more complicated I become; the less I know about what I want, need and who I am. If you take the 18 or 19 year old Kate, you would find someone who knew who she wanted to be with, with the wishful thought of being married by 25 and having children soon after. I wasn't very ambitious...my love life took precedence over everything else.
During my early twenties at Mount Olive, I found comfort and security with Adam. I thought I was ready to settle down and began making plans for after graduation.
I am 24 and a half, and I have realized I am happiest and most care free being single. This is shocking because I have never been like this. I have always loved being in relationships. I cannot understand myself or this new change that seemingly crept up and surprised me. I am impatient, get annoyed and bored so easily. I really don't know if I can live with another man again- perhaps I could, he just needs to be working alot...haha. I love my own space and hate being told what to do, or criticized for my habits (computer usage etc.).

I love being single and alone, but having good friends to share time with...for the time being anyway. I am confident enough not to have anybody. I definitely have my insecurities (weight) and my impulse control problem, but other than that...I am doing pretty well in life, and I am doing it on my own with some help from the family and close friends. Regarding my future at this point? I have no freaking clue. We are told that you should get married and have children, but what if this doesn't happen? Are people prepared to accept this? In no way do I wish to be old and lonely...but what if I do not meet someone I actually completely 100 percent love and respect. They say marriage is work. I will have to love that dude to death if I am going to work hard for the marriage to last, because really- I have no problem being by myself and I HATE feeling miserable. Many people stay together out of fear of being alone. I do not have that fear. I have amazing friends and a very supportive family, so I will never be actually 'alone'. I think I am going to take Patrick's advice and 'not settle for just any carny'.
I am going to make my 100 percent decision regarding graduate school this week. I am going to talk to the professors, OSAP and make my deicion and stick with it with no regrets. I have no idea why I push away from possible relationships and prefer to be by myself. I don't think it's out of fear of getting hurt...I just have no patience anymore. And it really bothers me how I have made a complete 180 turn without knowing why or how it occured. Strange...So many changes since I was 18...